ebot21

i just want to vent and have that sense that maybe someone else reading this is feeling what i feel /or relate to me.

Im 22 years old and my father is an alcoholic and has been my entire life. He also did drugs and had physically and emotionally abused my siblings and I when I was younger up until I was about 14. Everyday was chaos, unknown to how much fighting was going to happen that night, if our rooms were going to be clean enough,how much crying and praying would I have to do before dad finally passed out for the night. And then he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and received a transplant saving his life. He remained sober for about 2 years but has relapsed and slowly but surely he is right back into the mess. My mother but has remained married to him( for reasons only she knows that i can not understand) and now has also started taking up drinking and has steadily gotten worse over the past year.

I feel so much that its not fair. its not fair that I had to go thru so much with my dad when he was drinking the first time and then when he got sick and i was there everyday for him, when his family was there everyday for him, and he just slapped us all back in the face when he started drinking again. What a waste I feel like he is. To receive a second chance at life to make yourself and your bond with your family closer and you threw it all away. What a tease it was to have this man ,my dad the way I had always wished he would act and treat me there he was calm and not screaming at you calling you names and telling you everyway possible how worthless you was and how much happier he would be if he killed everyone, was nice to not walk on eggshells everytime dad came home from the bar. felt good to believe that things were going to change and have a normal conversation with him and believe that my dad actually cared and loved me.

i feel like my entire being,my actions, every feeling , every emotion im afraid to feel or know. all my thinking is in response to him. I am married and my husband struggles to understand me and be patient. but i dont even trust him enough to not hurt me or my feelings.I dont even trust that my husband loves me. I dont believe anyone can. im so difficult. he tells me im angry and negative all the time.that i dont allow myself to talk about anything going on inside me. that i turn to drinking when im upset or frusterated. and that he things these things just makes me more angry. im all over the place. im sick of my mother upset on the phone talking to me about my father doing this and being drunk all the time. i feel helpless for my younger brother still living in that house putting up with day to day festivities of my father. and im resentful towards my older siblings who ignore everything that is going on at home because to them its out of sight out of mind.

thank you to anyone who reads this.