Nodaybut2day. This morning i just wanted him out. I've asked my mom to be here this afternoon so that if he decides to show up, i will have a witness hearing me telling him to leave and a witness to any possible tantrum he has.
Getting by- I'm really sorry your H wasn't there for you this fall. The things he continues to say to you about this are far too familiar.
again, i shouldn't be surprised that my H isn't the man he claims/pretends to be this past week for me... there have been a handful of times during our marriage when i've leaned toward (not on since i know better, but toward) him and he's let me fall to the ground. my fault is in continuing to think that the "next time" will be different. i guess it's not all that different than the "magical thinking" that this time the drink will be okay that my H has displayed for years. problem is that it seems a lot harder to say to myself "leaning on my H is unhealthy" than it would be to say "i shouldn't injest alcohol bc it is unhealthy". one seems a naturally normal thing to do and is necessary (human comfort) for emotional health. the other isn't a necessity for life.
ugh. this all sucks and i am sick to death of it.
i just remembered something i want to share that popped into my head.
this fall our youngest daughter (then 2) had her tonsils and adenoids out. H refused to take the morning off of work to be there with her before surgery, to wait during and to see her after surgery. on top of that 5 other people called/texted to see how she was throughout the DAY and not one of those people was her father. i finally called him around 5 (PM!) and he gave me the following lines:
- if she were older and realized that i wasn't there then i would have been there-- she doesn't know the difference so it doesn't matter
- i don't like how you treat me and wasn't about to be around you all day and because of that i was forced to not be there for D
- he had no ability to call bc a) he didn't have a single "break" all day (though he does have a 1 hr lunch daily) and b) i didn't give him enough time to call and if i had, he'd have called (surgery was at 7:30 am and i called bc i hadn't heard from him by 5 pm)
Then when he came home, due to my reaction (telling him i was upset/disappointed) he left and went on a 2 day bender and i had to take those 2 days off (bc he'd agreed to take them off to be home with D2 since she couldn't return to school that week) and got a tongue lashing from work because of it.
I guess I should have remembered this before I went looking for his support for my silly heart health issues-- if he can't be there for his own young D, why would he be there for me? He has informed me many many a time that he IS there for the girls but not me bc they are "innocent" and have not "hurt and betrayed him" (evidently i have and evidently if that happens then one can not care-- gee, how is it he's been able to get caring from me then?)
Sorry for the ramble.
Guess I need to accept he is useless and probably would be whether he were an A or not. I don't think his behavior is bc of alcoholism. I think he's a jerk and there's no "recovery" for that.
I just would have liked to not be dealing with a huge dose of a$$hole on top of feeling like crap right now. I think that his feeling miserable ='s a need to take any crummy situation for someone else and make it worse for them in order to feel better about his life.
Today I really hate him and no, not just the disease. It's him I hate.