I've been thinking about this post for the past couple of days and I just wanted to share what it brought up in me ...
I want to start off by saying that I no longer have any active alcoholics in my life. The main alcoholic in my life was my father and my parents were divorced thirty years ago. He continued to drink for the rest of his life and he only played a minor part in my adult life (other than the therapy/recovery I needed to accept my childhood and my parents). He passed away in August.
I'm unfortunately very familiar with dysfunctional families and the affects that alcoholism (or other dysfunctions) have on people and families.
When I started my own recovery I came into it with another sort of denial. While growing up, especially after their divorce, my mother would talk constantly about my father's alcoholism, how he only cared about himself, how he "chose" alcohol over us, didn't truly love us, ... There was never a doubt in my mind that my father was an alcoholic or that it was ruining our lives.
The denial that I didn't see was the dysfunction in the rest of my family of origin. Luckily, none of us had any chemical addiction problems, however, we were so codependent with each other. We were always in each others business, talking about each other, and giving unsolicited advice. I remember spending many sleepless nights right before my sister's wedding because I was certain that she was making a mistake and I had to figure out how to "save" her.
When my eyes were opened to the true dynamics of my family of origin, I took it upon myself to "enlighten" everyone else. I had a number of arguments with my mother and my sister. They thought I was the "crazy" one and didn't understand why I was being so hurtful to them.
Someone on another message board posted an excerpt about denial from
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It made me see my dysfunctional family system in a different light.
"Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me. Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually."
The dysfunctional tendencies my mother, my sister, my brother, and I developed were created for a reason. They protected us from the craziness of living in an unstable home. I personally got to the point where my ACA traits were getting in the way of the life that I wanted to have, however, the rest of my family was perfectly happy and WANTED to keep things as they were. And you know what, it wasn't my job to go around ripping off other people's blankets!
It's has definitely taken some work, but I am now able to have a relationship with my mother and sister that is healthier for me. I set boundaries and I speak up when I feel like they have crossed those boundaries. I try not to think about their lives anymore and what type of "help" I think they need (it's a struggle sometimes to know what sort of help I need :-) My sister still has a lot of chaos in her life and my mom isolated herself and hardly interacts with her children/grandchildren. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it!
It's not easy. We still have our ups and downs. I think they still think I'm the crazy one, but I am SO MUCH happier now that I only worry about me, my nuclear family, and the things that I CAN control.
Thank you for letting me share.
Best Wishes,
db