Welcome. I looked at my past like this. I did do stupid things when drunk. It wasn't that I was bad, I was sick. I don't care who you are talking about - take some of the most noble people of our time and give them a .300 BAC and they'd do dumb stuff to. That doesn't make it acceptable but it does give us some insight on what not to do. If I don't get drunk, I don't typically do stupid things I regret. So, how can I drink without getting drunk? The answer is (after years and years of trying) I SIMPLY CAN'T.
That leads me to step 1 - powerless of alcohol and my life is unmanageable. I can't manage alcohol. When I drink, my body wants more and more booze. I want the 2nd drink worse than the 1st and the 8th worse than the 7th and eventually I end up drunk, do something I regret, and wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. The shame, guilt, and remorse are things that if left untreated will lead me right back to look for the solution to get rid of them which is booze. I then have the first drink and repeat everything over again. After many years of this type of behavior I found myself hopeless and depressed. I hated who I was but didn't know how to stop.
I finally had to get rid of the idea that I could enjoy alcohol without ending up drunk and get into a program of recovery. I often said "just don't have so many, or stick to beer, or only drink between these times, or don't ever drink with those people, etc..." None of it worked. When I drink, I drink for the fireworks. Every time. I had to find a way to live in this world without the need for a drink...
That is where the program of AA has come in.
You can get off of this ride. You just have to stop fighting an opponent you can't beat (alcohol). I wish you the best. Hang in there!!!!