The most maddening aspect of alcoholism is the inability to keep, front and center in our brains, the sheer agony and remorse of the last drink. Yes, somewhere in the recesses of our mind we can remember the tears and the absolute resolve to NOT DRINK EVER AGAIN, but it is overwhelmed by the mental obsession-- the almost primitive craving for the sweet oblivion that alcohol offers. That memory of the last drink and the horror that went with it is no match for the promise of alcohol hitting our gut and spreading warmth and relief through our bodies. We don't forget what happened, we are just quietly overpowered.
And so, the merry-go-round continues. When we wake up, our resolve to do better next time takes on even greater intensity; we make more creative promises that we will be equally unable to keep. It is the horror version of the movie Groundhog Day.
This is powerlessness and insanity, and it is alcoholism as described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our founders realized that building obstacles to drinking was pointless and futile, that we could not exercise our way, eat our way, take vitamins, promise, resolve, commit or decide our way to sobriety. They knew the futility of "thinking the drink through," of willpower, and of trying harder. Alcoholism is like a straight jacket-- the more you wiggle in your efforts to escape, the tighter it grips you.
What works is surrender. That moment of grace when you realize that you are powerless, that the promises to do better next time are lies borne out of insanity. The first step is not deciding that you can't ever drink again, the first step is realizing that you have no choice but to drink again.
It's not about hope-- it's about hopelessness.
And ironically, it is at this moment of unbearable despair that we turn the corner: we have conceded to our innermost selves that we are powerless over alcohol. We detach from the madness and recognize Groundhog Day for what it is.
Only then, I believe, can it be over for the alcoholic. Because then, instead of spending time assembling barriers to drinking, the alcoholic is ready to do the work-- the steps-- that remove the barriers to a power greater than themselves that can solve their problem.