Ok - here are mine:
"I'm not drunk, I'm just tired" (after half a bottle of scotch)
"I'm feeling so much better now that I drink like a normal person." (min. bottle of wine/night)
"I was not mean to you last night, you're over-reacting." (after a torrent of verbal abuse)
"I wish everyone would quit telling me I'm an alcoholic. They're crazy."
"You could totally drink if you wanted to" (I'm a recovering alcoholic)
"I wouldn't drink if we had more sex...you talked to me...you were nice to me."
"Once I get a less stressful job I'll cut back."
"I'm bored at work; once I get a better job I'll cut back."
"I HATE this city. If we moved, I'd cut back."