Struggling
RAH and I had a "couples counseling" session yesterday.
I'm irked at how he was spouting crap to her. It was mostly a check-in session. Where am I, where is RAH. Where do I feel he needs to be, etc.
I don't know if I'm just in total shutdown now or what, but I just kept saying "I need to figure out my crap and I need to figure out if the person he is ... if that person is someone I want to be with."
I don't want him to temporarily change for me only for us to have to repeat this same pattern in six months or a year or whatever. I don't have the energy for it.
It's almost like he's two different people. I think the most frustrating thing is him hiding everything. I go to use the computer, and I go to the history so I can find a website, and he's cleared out the history. Or he's doing this volunteer opportunity thing, and he told me he didn't want to do it anymore because he "wasn't feeling appreciated" (welcome to my universe buddy!). He told his therapist something completely different about why he wasn't doing it anymore. I called him out on it and she stated to him "you volunteer so you can feel good about yourself ... so you can pay back your community for the drunk driving, etc." Yeah, not sure he was buying that.
He also apparently has told his therapist that he has been doing everything he should (going to meetings, talking with a sponsor, etc.). She asked if that was true and I said no. 90 meetings in 90 days does not mean 4-5 meetings a week. And he doesn't have a sponsor so him saying that he's been talking to him is quite funny.
He asked if things had been different since he got home. In some ways, sure. He doesn't go into total shutdown mode if I bring up some emotion, which is nice. On the other hand, he's still selfish and manipulative. He's not working, yet finds it OK to spend money on stuff, like driving 20 miles each way to a volunteer opportunity and then spending money at Wendy's when a) there's so much stuff for him to take care of at home and b) for the love of all that is holy there is food at home. But go ahead, spend more money. Or the sentence that came out of his mouth about 2-3 times last night ... "all you do is get mad at me when I share ... so is that going to make me want to share more or less?" 1) We're not even talking, so I don't understand how you think I always get mad, 2) Always is a pretty strong word, and c) The whole statement is such an exaggeration.
I know all of this petty, but it makes me annoyed and I just need to get it off my chest.
The therapist told him he needed to not worry about me but to worry about himself. Hoping he gets it. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night and would physically move himself into a different room if I entered a room, so that's fun.
He wasn't in bed at 3a when I woke up randomly. He did clean out the basement room downstairs. At this point, I don't know if he's trying to martyr himself or he realized he really is being a dick. Guess I'll find out when I get home if he's talking to me or not.
I know I know ... can't control it, can't cure it, etc. But these are the things I'm thinking about when I'm trying to figure out if I want to be with my husband or not.
I just kind of want to be angry right now. Is that OK?