(((((Sine)))))
I am going to share something with you that I have never shared on these boards, another insight into me but I believe it may help you tremendously.
I have been married and divorced twice. I have had several long term relationships that I 'thought' were love. Then I moved here to NM, over 20 years ago. Shortly after moving here I meet a gentleman, and I do mean gentleman that 'seemed' very nice.
He was a professor at the university here and was only going to work a few more years and retire. He had lost his wife to ovarian cancer 5 years previous to me and I was only the second woman he had dated since that.
We had fun together. We enjoyed each others company. We did some really nice things together and some crazy things together. Slowly we got closer and more 'comfortable'. I had told him my whole story, my history, hadn't left anything out. He knew I was a recovering A and what I had been through.
I still looked on it as a great friendship. Yes we were intimate, but there were no fireworks, shooting stars or rockets.
One night at a bit over 4 years into the relationship we were doing some really 'heavy' talking. I had just told Marcus that I hoped he wouldn't take offense at what I was about to say, but that I felt so comfortable with him. That our relationship felt like an 'old shoe' that fit so well, or that old robe with a few cigarette burns in it, but felt SO GOOD when I put it on, etc. His response to me was:
"My dear, don't you realize that is what love is. You and I have achieved what I had with my wife, and I thought I would never have again. We have become more than computable, we are great friends, we worked together to find what each other liked in our intimacy moments, and yes it is like and old shoe or slipper. Laurie that is WHAT LOVE IS. No fireworks, no shooting stars, no rockets, that is lust."
He blew me away. And I realized he was correct, it wasn't about a 'light switch' that turned on, it was an ongoing compatibility and comfort. It was love and we had good years together.
Fast forward to 2000 when he had a massive heart attack (3 months after a complete physical and clean bill of health) and died. I was devastated. But at least I had finally had 'real love.'
I could be in my very old loose comfy sweat pants and sloppy pants, and he in his favorite pants with numerous holes in them and a t-shirt, also with holes, but some great memories for him, curled up together on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and ice tea, coffee, hot chocolate, or whatever, watching a movie or Fox News and have a great debate ( we were not totally on the same page politically, lol) and it was WONDERFUL.
So, slowly I got through my grief and went back to living alone, swearing that was it, no more relationships for me.
Fast forward again to early January 2010. Out of the blue I got a phone call from my 'first love.' Our parents had separated us by manipulation and I had not seen nor heard from him in over 44 years. Now I had tried to find him over the years but never happened.
My mind said, hmmmmm with what I learned with Marcus maybe I do have one more chance. He paid for my airfare and I flew to where he was, was suppose to stay 2 weeks and extended it to 3. Yes, there were fireworks, sky rockets, and rockets. Little did I know that he was on his 'good' behavior.
He would have a drink every few days with dinner, and a beer on a hot afternoon. No biggie. On my next trip he seemed to be drinking a wee bit more, but I was in DENIAL. For some reason I never did share my whole life with him (maybe my own survival mechanism kicking in). We would talk, but everything, every subject would quickly get turned back to 'him'. By my last trip, I had the blinders off. I watched and listened, didn't say much, the fireworks, etc had subsided.
The light switch came on ......................... he was a PRACTICING NARCISSISTIC AZZHOLE ALCOHOLIC! I left after telling him that I could not have nor abide toxic people in my life, and if he ever decided to get sober, work on himself, get rid of his demons, we might talk.
That was 6 months ago. He still calls, it's down to about once a week now and I do not answer.
My point of this is to say that thanks to my lovely time with Marcus I have realized that the fireworks, shooting stars and rockets which really only should be in 'romance novels' are LUST. Marcus taught me what real love is, and that took years. There were times that I talked and talked and talked and I am sure he 'tuned' me out. But when I would finally wind down, he would say ............. "feel better now? got it out of your system?" and then he would laugh. I am sure I drove him crazy sometimes but he knew that I needed those times. He had great patience, was a loving partner and taught me so much.
I share this to say to you Sine, dont be hasty, don't make this decision too soon. Re evaluate what you really want. Do you want lust, or do you want someone who loves you no matter what. Do you want beauty or do you want someone who accepts you with all your flaws, is comfortable to curl up with (without the fireworks)?
Be very very careful, this is a 'life long decision' you are about to make. Please do that Pro/Con list. Please also feel free to share my posts with your sponsor. You are still in 'early' recovery and I would hate to see you make a decision that you may regret for the rest of your life.
BTW the original saying around AA is "No major changes the first year." It is no where in the BB as it was not a part of the BB. It started appearing in AA about 35 years ago from 'treatment center (rehab) folks coming into AA. However, it made a lot of sense and thus has been adopted by various meetings and sponsors around the country. There is nothing in the BB about 90 days either.
There is a lot involved here in this decision and a lot of it is about you not her. Your 'perception of love/lust.' Your 'perception of what a relationship is or should be. Your own ego. Your wants and needs. How much you are willing to compromise with another person, etc and to date I do not believe you have done the 'inner work' required to get those answers.
Therefore, please do your pro/con list, then put this whole thing on the shelf and CONTINUE with your step work. Your step work will give you the answers.
J M H O
Love and hugs,