Thank you all. It was difficult, because he was both defensive and minimizing ('..it was only one little drink'; 'why didn't he tell me he didn't feel okay about it?' etc). It turns out that the last few weeks, while I've been tastily sampling our new life, he's been feeling oppressed and miserable. Hmm. Why didn't he tell me?? I'm not especially good at picking up subtle clues - I go by what's being done and said. He said I didn't trust him, and wasn't treating him with the respect a man his age should have.
He repeatedly told me that if I expect him to change that much (not having any drinks or being drunk around us at all), then it would be better for us to move out. He thinks I'm being manipulative, stupid, overreacting... and all I could think about was him berating me for hours in a drunken mess, worrying about his health, worrying over the effect on the kids. At least it isn't confusing ~ he apologized and we talked a bit about personal freedom - his drinking impinges on my personal freedom (and safety), and my standards about drinking severely restrict his.
He sat ds down this morning, and asked if he felt threatened yesterday. Ds said yes, and ABF got belligerent. Fortunately, I was there to defuse it before it got really ugly, but it was pretty unpleasant. Ds later told me about a drunken incident about a year ago, that he didn't tell me about at the time, because he was afraid it would come to us leaving. The kid is 11. I am mortified that I left it so long.
I'm sad and scared and resolved. I need help with the logistics. Ugh. I feel ill. Calling the realtor back today.
Suggestions on dealing with the between-time? I'm going to move out, but I won't yet for a month.... the 'what-ifs' are starting to roll around in my head.
He just called to apologize for losing his temper, and for talking to ds that way. He said he doesn't want to lose me, and I said I didn't want that either, I just won't live with him if he drinks at all around us. Silence, and a 'maybe we can work something out'.
I'm remembering that magical phrase "I don't think so".
I'll be back.
- Sylvie