When I got sober I went to my doctor and got back on anti-depressants. It has made a world of difference.......totally stabilized me. I have 97 days sober and you can do the same thing. You don't have to live this hell. You really don't....I have been in your shoes and it's an awful way to live. Sobriety will give you so many gifts but you have to take the first step. And you can do it......you really can.