Yes it is a revelation! I got lots of clarity when I talked to XABF and he was sober - and he was still hurtful as hell. Needless to say it was one of the last conversations we had. I realized he was toxic, hurt, confused, and that I was all those things too, but I could imagine something different for me. He was sure "it was his destiny" and "he was going to drink until his last day of life".
Now I have more peace. Him, I don't know. Maybe drunken stupors are the only way he can find peace for the demons that he has. He has a right to be that way. And to stay that way. At least he shared his plans out loud.
I could have stayed and died with him in misery, believing he could change.
But yeah, when you see beyond the alcoholism, its a huge AHA moment and it is easier to dettach. And to stop blaming the drinks. It helps to stop fantasizing about "the wonderful person when sober". Castles in the sky crumble and you only got Reality. Which hurts. But life becomes easier afterwards... I was less bugged by "what ifs".... I was able to see the reality of that person and decide I wanted nothing to do with him, nor I wanted to continue being the doormat I willingly became, when he was around. And realize addiction was not a problem but a symptom of deeper issues there was no way I could understand, much less heal. I do not do miracles. What I felt about him was the tip of the iceberg, and it was enough to scare me away.
Who knows what he is capable of in later stages. I am so so grateful, I won't be around to find out.
Hugs!! keep moving forward!!