Hey, I'm in the same club: women with their men for over 30 years of marriage and feeling like it's never too late to do the right thing, despite how hard it is.
I know it's hard at any stage of the relationship, but over 30 years of memories, good and bad, are hard to just step away from. Yet, at this stage of my life with my kids grown, I know this is more than a "mid-life crisis"--it's a stand for the right thing for both me and AH.
I go back and forth, too. I'm separated for 6 weeks--having rented a little off-season beach cottage. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this cottage and this town. All I need is what is in these three simple rooms and my sanity, which I'm building by going to Al-Anon once a week, yoga in the house practically next door, and Monday evening Lent classes at a Catholic retreat house. I really feel just like the crocuses that are pushing up through the ground this time of year.
At the same time, I miss my home, my dog, my own furnishings, even AH of course. We are very close, but I can't retreat. I've been having flashbacks of my own insane moments and I don't like that person.
So I have 10 days to figure out what happens when this rental period is up. AH is paying lip service to sobriety but has not surrendered AT ALL. He's playing the game to get me back home, that's all. And I admit, I'm afraid of what comes next. Being in Limbo is OK by me right now. I'm not sure I'm ready to accept the end of my relationship with him, but I'm also not accepting a return to business-as-usual.
Yeah, it sucks. But as you said, it's hard doing the right thing for you, but IT IS THE RIGHT THING