Oh sweetie, I hear you. I've been married over 40 years. My AH started drinking about 20 years ago. It confused me. He was depressed and medicated himself with whiskey. About six years in he switched to beer. He said it was easier on his digestion.
I sat on it thinking he'd give it up when he was ready. Why? My Mother drank heavily for a decade during her menopausal years. Then one day she decided, that's enough of that. She quit drinking overnight. Was she an alcoholic? I can't say but probably not. That has to be where I learned that people will just give it up when they are ready. I had no idea what alcoholism was at the time.
I'm contemplating divorce. I get how you feel. I'm tired. I'm angry mostly with myself for putting up with this crap. I almost left 15 years ago. I regret that I did not.
I have spent the last few months learning all I could about alcoholism.
I've been working on a plan to get myself out of here.
It's coming together. I'm terrified. I'm hurt and I'm pissed.