Payne

I have spent months trying to find my center. Learning to respond slower. And to take a second before responding it all went out the window this weekend. I'm an acoa who had a best friend for twenty years before finding out that the cancer I thought she was going through was nothing more than a pathological lie. I spent three years dealing with the pain it caused and I thought I had dealt with it. This past week I received news that my current close friend may be heading for the real fate of that same cancer. The first couple days u responded fairly well. Saturday night we hung out and I was glad to be there so she could talk but being a little tense I met up with a friend ten minutes after getting there I realized she W's coming to the same place so I took off. She caught me leaving and I fumbled through an excuse drove around the block and came back and had a good night but was highly embarrassed at my actions. On Sunday the thought of messing up again tweaked me out so much that I acted like an idiot that day too. She's going through so much I doubt its really even something she thought about much less cares. However it made me realize that my shattered trust in myself is making an appearance in the wake of this. Emotional trigger. I'm worried my friend will thin I cannot handle the information she will need to share in the new future and wish to assured that my response was not actually due to that but to a past experience. However there is so much going on I don't want it to seem like I'm putting anything else on her plate. I guess I'm just surprised at how quickly I reverted to the acoa. Of the past and am now horribly embarrassed and hoping it doesn't affect the future.