update
i purposely stayed off the board for a while for a couple reasons. 1. i realized as done as i wanted to be, i was only tricking myself into believing it. i was more hoping it would go away than i was making it go away. 2. i think the board became a crutch for me.
i am in a weird place again. over the past couple months, while i had contact with her, all i could think about was being alone again, not dealing with her, and having my life back. now that i have had some of that, i find that i miss parts of her, including the chaos.
i really thought i could stick it out til the end. this whole last run, goes back a couple months. i have seen her not want to get help and i have seen her want help. i saw her make calls and arrange things. something didn't work out because of her not wanting to go, twice the facility messed up. it became a situation like before, ok, one more week, then that didnt work out, so it was one more week, and so on.
it got to the point where there was arguing and nothing but hostility. that subsided and she arranged a detox. i saw my out and felt i saw it through to the end. but, we got there and she broke down, she wasn't ready. i calmly reminded her of how things would be if she did not go and she understood. we parted exchanging i love yous
its only been a couple weeks and there has been no contact except her leaving a couple messages that she is ok.
so its real this time. and i am just writing because it's a bit odd to want someone to be away for so long but then once it happens to miss them.
but it is spring and i have started my garden and have been taking pictures.