Like others have said, you can't win this fight. The only way to beat it, is to surrender or cease fighting.
My pattern of quitting sounds similar to you. I would at some point hit a bottom, get some resolve that this was the last time. Start working out, eating healthy and not drinking. A few days would pass and the shame and guilt of the most recent bender would disappear and I would finally feel decent again. A few more days would pass and I would start to get a little tired of "playing by the rules" - the job, the kids, the not drinking, the exercise, and I would need a release. I would then remember that I quit and say "those days are over". I would then feel even worse. A few more days would pass and I was ready to freaking kill something or somebody. I would feel this huuuuuge void in the pit of my soul that needed to be filled. And I would then make a decision that it's time to drink again. Nevermind the shame, self loathing, embarrasement that drinking caused. No, no... I would only think of what booze would do FOR me, never what it's done TO me.
I would then say "F-it"!!!! "It was a good run while it lasted, but it will be different this time". "I won't drink that stuff, at that time, with those people"! I would normally start slow, probably beer only. Then I'd be out with some friends, and maybe do a shot or two with my beers, soon I'm drinking whiskey alone like I always do - waiting for the next bottom to get me sober...
Sound familiar to anyone? It's called alcoholism. A mental obsession followed by a physical craving more. Groundhog day! Over and over with no end.
There are four options for an alcoholic. 1. Jail 2. Hospitals 3. Death 4. Recovery. That's it. If you are alcoholic you can pick from those four. Sorry that drinking happily isn't on the list. If it was, that's exactly what I'd be doing.
Get into recovery and stop watching reruns of your life. If I can do this, anyone can!
I wish you the best!!!!