Sometimes, it seems like a dream when you are addicted to something. Then you stop and start dreaming about pill and THATS REAL FUN. lol. Anyways,
I'm brand new on here. I Had a class late last summer about popular songwriting. I have been writing songs for years and play several instruments, and thought this English elective would be good for my degree and my songwriting skills! About halfway through the course i got ahold of about 4 5mg vicodin. I had never wanted to try any of it until I had bronchitis and my doctor prescribed hycodan. (liquid hydrocodone) I knew it made me euphoric but when it was gone, I never thought about it again. I think it's because the way I was raised, anyways I digress. This class was more than a year after the hycodan so I had done 0 opiates for that year or so. I took one, and class was ridiculous. I was in my own little world where time went fast but I thought about nothing bad. I was filling a void for my depression/ocd/inability to deal with reality. I wanted to do it every class which was twice a week. I could get the drugs for this, so I ended up doing it 1 or 2 times every two weeks. There was about 2 months after the end of class where I did no opiates as well. I got a number of someone who seemed to have a consistent source of vicodin so I would buy it and do it you know a couple times a week. Class was a breeze. I was eager to learn and did really well, maintaining my position on the deans's list. He also had percocet 5mg which I began to dabble in. It seemed Oxycodone was stronger and I needed less to get the euphoria. At this point I still wasn't doing it everyday and there were many periods where i wouldn't for 5 days or so...then came christmas...
Right before Winter Break, the same dealer got ahold of little blue guys A 215, you know the deal. I couldn't do a whole one, nor did I try to I would do a half at MOST. He gave me three. Those three lasted about a week. A week or so went by and a friend from back home got me 3 more. These 3 lasted me about a week or so. I think at that point I didn't do them for a couple days, but then I had that strong urge. I was asking friends who I think would have access to them if I could get some. Vicodin no longer did anything for me. I did no opiates from 1/12 to 1/18 and experienced no withdrawal symptoms other than depression and emptiness. I then met someone who changed my life for the worse even more. Basically, he said "hey I started snorting these about 3 a day at LEAST I did OC 80's heroin etc and you shouldnt ever do them! but here's the number of a guy who can give you a great deal." Of course I call the guy, I started buying them all the time after that. I started taking halves mostly, 15mg a day, but that built up. In fact, last week I was doing 50-70mg, prior to that I did no more than 30mg of Oxycodone IR. The weird thing was I usually only did one dose per day. About three weeks or so ago, I started having withdrawal symptoms at night and wasn't having it. I reached out to my parents, my girlfriend, and NA. However, I kept telling myself tomorrow was going to be the day to quit. I have finally heard my parents express their disappointment for lying to them as well as my girlfriend and felt terrible. Needless to say, I've felt terrible for at least the past 5 weeks knowing I shouldn't be doing it. Basically, I have been doing a habit for 10 weeks which started at 15mg which progressed to 50mg. Cold turkey is the only way to go. I have about 12 extra klonopin .5mg tablets to help me sleep because I have become pretty familiar with RLS. I haven't had it too bad thus far just waking up once or twice and having to walk around or take a klonopin to get back to sleep. I decided Friday would be the last. I go to school full time and have a job I need to perform well for to get a full time position there when I graduate in the Spring. It is now Sunday, the last time I took oxycodone was 51 hours ago so I'm 2 days in for sure. Yesterday sucked, I felt pain all day and laid on the couch with my girlfriend. I love how supportive she has been. I mustered up the strength to play a gig last night which I actually enjoyed
. It was 40 minutes of me not thinking about getting oxycodone. Today I got my ass out of bed with my girlfriend at 9:30. We went to an NA meeting at 1030. Since then it's been up and down. My parents have my back but I want this time to be for real. It's the first time I've been clean for two days since January. I know I haven't been out there for longer than some, but everyone's go their own demons to face. I guess I am reaching out to this forum for encouragement. My life used to revolve around songwriting and learning new instruments. The past few days I've had little drive to play but I did play drums for an hour today. Long story already told but my message is simple. I'm 21, about to graduate with an undergraduate degree, have a job in line, have a chance to be successful with my music, and I have a lovely girlfriend. I have so much potential and I can see it. I want to live through this and never look back. It just seems that living is so hard sometimes. Just wanted to share, and hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel will appear soon.
-formerly ambitious