Hello Everyone,
Its been a while since I have been here. I have been trying to apply all of the tools and advice learned here and through books to my life. I have been doing alot better! My exabf seems to be on the path to recovery, although I have thought so before. I have seen some real changes this time though. Through phone calls, texts and FaceBook we have maintained contact. He has been the one initiating this. We have had some difficulty with this "remaining friends", but are working through them. I have had to draw the line at face to face contact which we tried once. I met him at a resteraunt and cried all the way home and just felt very sad. I paid attention to this a realized that I was not ready for this. I am proud of myself for putting myself first. Any way the reason for this post is because he has mentioned several times that he hopes that I am involved in therapy because he "would hate to see himself get better and and not me". I have been taking offense to this and have said some harsh things to him. I then feel bad.
I am insecure and extremely distrustingI am defensive about this because I believe that it is because my whole life I have been involved with addicts who lie, cheat, and try to make me feel bad about myself in various ways in order to control me. NOW I say -who the hell wouldnt be distrusting and insecure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have been getting help for a lot longer than he has. I have made a lot of changes which includes moving on with my own life and trying very hard not to focus on his. He is the one who wants me in his life because he loves me and wants to someday make it work.
I honestly dont think I will ever be able to trust him again even with all the counceling in the world!!!!!!!!! as far as I am concerned I am better off alone!!!! Do I need therapy because I think this way or is this just a normal reponse to seeing and experiencing all the bs from people in this world. UUgghhh I am so frustrated!
Is it possible to learn to trust again and would alanon meeting help with these feelings??????