Suic - Being a "tad mentally ill" is what alcohol does to us. I convinces us we're weak and hopeless and that we don't care about anything, that life is too hard and we'd rather die than give up alcohol. Infact, death seems pretty attractive at times.
I often visit a support forum for end-stage liver patients and their caregivers. It helps me stay sober to realize what my future could be like if I start drinking again. The suffering is horrendous and it sometimes goes on for years - dozens of hospital visits, lots of pain. People bleeding for all orifices, swelling up to the point where their skin breaks open, losing their minds, strokes, infections, horrible bowel problems, muscle wasting, bruising everywhere, can't eat or sleep and barely able to walk.......
I hate to be morbid, but you really don't want this kind of death.
You know, sometimes we just have to give up and get someone to help us. Of course you can't stop drinking and don't want to - that's what alcoholism IS. Call the Salvation Army - find a treatment center - go to the ER - put yourself in the hands of someone who can help you.
People do it all the time. I was ready to give up on myself, too. I just wanted to be left alone to drink. I'll bet most of us felt that way.
One more thing, and this is important: it's only AFTER getting sober that you find your sanity and will to live return. So don't depend on having that feeling while you're still drinking. You simply have to get sober first before you can begin to see ANYTHING in a positive light again.
I'm sorry for the long post - I just feel for you, and hope/pray/believe that a new life is waiting for you. :ghug3