Tuffgirl

Making peace with my trade-offs. Dr. Laura (yes, I am a fan to a point) says,

"For everything there is a price. Your sanity and inner peace come from recognizing, accepting and paying that price. You must make peace with your choices and trade-offs. There are times when such trade-offs - staying in a not-so-good situation for (whatever) reasons - will be your choice. You need to make the choice consciously and maturely. If you don't, you leave yourself open to disappointment, frustration, anger, and hurt. In which case, you are not a victim, you are a volunteer who is not behaving maturely."

I am making a trade-off. I am choosing to walk away from this marriage to an alcoholic, regardless of him being in recovery, to a life again unknown. I am taking on a HUGE mortgage again, knowing it means I may not be able to help my children pay for college as I had hoped (trade-off). It means my old truck will need to keep running for at least two more years while my daughter drives the newer, not yet paid off vehicle with lots of air bags (trade off). It means learning how to be an even better DIY'er who can lay laminate flooring and power wash siding and run a tile saw and can get on a two story ladder with no fear (trade off). It means being overwhelmed and often double booked with two kids and a job to manage (trade off). It means living on a tight budget with little frivolity (trade off). It means asking others for help when I need it (trade off).

What is the real trade off? Accepting my reality as it is today; not worrying if it will change but making it change myself. Living with peace and serenity and harmony. Not having to worry about what he is doing or not doing. Having a cold six pack in my fridge. Going out for dinner and having a glass of wine. Not having someone distort my reality. No more perpetual drama and emotional turmoil. Being able to have some self respect, and know I am setting a good example for my daughters by drawing the line and standing on it. Having faith in a higher power like I have never had before.

What it doesn't mean: my feelings go away overnight. I stopped loving my husband. I failed in my vows and am a "quitter". My life will be perfect and stress-free. I will be perfect and never let anyone down. I can never have a healthy relationship with the RAH. I am no longer scared. I no longer feel embarrassment and shame over this situation. I lose any and all codie ways.

Recovery is a process, not a destination. I am finally enjoying and understanding the process, knowing each day is a new day to do it better or to make a mess, but at the end of the day, this is still me, owning my choices and making peace with them.