wanttobehealthy

So much for my past week or two of feeling sane...

Thurs I got told not only has my job been cut but that all of us who are untenured are getting "non renewal" letters (typically given when you do a crappy job and are getting fired) instead of pink slips. The district is trying to make it seem that we didn't do a good job, even though the fact is that our jobs have been CUT. A non renewal letter means the district doesn't have to pay unemployment so they are giving those out to those they can. Since my state is an "at will" state as far as employment goes, teachers without tenure (3 yrs in the district) can be let go and given no reason. My only saving grace is that the newspaper has said that my position specifically was cut so hopefully I can bring that with me on future job interviews? The only people who got pink slips were those whose jobs were cut who had tenure. They get unemployment benefits and don't have the non renewal mark on their record. The rest of us are s.o.l.

It's unethical but legal and what it means is that I will have an almost impossible time finding another teaching job. A non renewal (even if it's bc your job was cut) is the scarlet letter of teaching and I feel like the career I've worked my butt off for for 14 yrs has been shattered.

I live in a small state, there are NO teaching jobs and I am scared to death about what to do.

Here's where I created additional misery of my own... STUPIDLY when H came over to see the girls Thurs night and could see I was visibly shaken (I miraculously kept it together until the girls were in bed) he asked what was up. I told him what had happened and was bawling and let myself think that maybe he'd be kind or comforting? I know, I know... I set myself up. But I wasn't thinking rationally... Before I know it he's telling me how down he is, how hard things have been for him and how I've contributed to that and that maybe my job loss is karma paying me back for how I've treated him.

Guess how that went over? I lost it. Big time. And lost it again on Fri when he came over to make a show of getting ALL his things and tell the girls I was kicking him out for good. And lost it again on Sat when he said he might not show up for D5's dance recital and told me to be the one to tell her that.

I can't deal with my job disappearing, my kids lives being dissembled, my financial future being shakier than I ever imagined AND put up with a sick alcoholic bpd sob. I can't do it.

I need something stable and my job was it. I felt that at least if I HAD to, I could make it on my own with the girls and now I can't. I've started job searching and there is NOTHING. Ads for teaching say that Master's level or Step 10+ teachers ought not apply (I am both). So I guess I can work at Target for $9 p/hr, lose my house, pull my kids out of their schools, default on my student loans, wreck my credit since I can't make payments on bills etc...

I've NEVER lived extravagently. I don't buy things for myself, I don't go on vacations, I just live frugally and simply and there's no room for cuts bc I don't have any extraneous expenses (I guess internet is one...)

So, I am totally panic stricken about my job, my kids, our financial existance and all I can count on from my H is horrifying behavior.

At this point I don't give a sh*t about his disease, fears, his need to be treated like the King Baby 24:7, why his behavior is really a reflection of his own worries etc... It's time for him to grow up. He has destroyed this family, has stolen thousands of $'s over the past few yrs to feed his addiction and his innocent kids are paying the price for his sins. We have no savings because of HIM. And I've been able to live with all of this for years to a certain degree bc I knew I could provide the girls stability even if he couldn't, and now I can't. I feel like an awful mother, I had to tell the girls this morning that our summer vacation is not happening and they are 5 and 3 and don't get it and shouldn't have to. It sucks and is unfair.

If I'd been irresponsible and caused this on my own (my job loss) I'd be miserable but could blame myself. I can't make sense of it and I can't fix it and I've gotten nothing but good reviews my whole career but now bc I am being let go bc of a "non renewal" I can't get references from my bosses unless I write a letter saying I willingly gave up my position (which eliminates all possibility of unemployment). It's like legal blackmail.

Suddenly all that matters is the district saving themselves money. Not a worry at all about screwing over good employees.

And my H being horrid on top of it was the icing on the cake.

I'm ready, seriously, to go check myself into the nearest mental hospital.