Yes.
Mine got sober, and things continued to be bad.
IMO, he needed to move out, get his life on track with, by and for hmself.
All the King Baby whining he did when he came out led to him placing blame and accusation firmly at my feet.
I decided to put him out, and he argued for it, against it, then finally I forced his hand, and now he lives by himself.
the good news about that?:
He works, and he whines, but I am not there to deal with it.
He makes mistakes and he is the only one to blame.
He acts impulsively and childishly, and he is the only one to deal with the ensuing circumstances, and he can only take issue with himself.
Did it work/is it working?:
For me, it has created a window of serenity and distance, where I can get back(slowly) to living a normal life and keeping my sons schedule and emotional life stable without him throwing curveballs, mood swings and immature expectation into the mix...
For him, it is forcing him to realize that the things that are still out of balance are HIS things, he needs his meetings, and he has started to rely on them a measure more without the comfort of old patterns of blame to throw around.
One big for instance:
When A lived with us, he whined and struggled with being entitled and basically everyday teenage behavior. Since he left, he still had been living that way.
When he was here, his boss (cousin) and his brother (coworker) supposedly never found fault with him or his behavior...it was me me me. I was the only one who found him grandiose, entitled, whiny...
This past Friday, his brother and cousin had a sit down with him.
They framed it as "Look, you wouldnt let someone walk around with lettuce in their teeth for six months, would you? So we are going to tell you something you need to know about yourself. "
They proceeded to tell him that he is widely disliked by the crews on the job, and becoming increasingly hated because of his whining about doing a job, after rehab that they have all been doing all along, he expects special treatment, he gets more opportunity, and they are all getting fed up with his sh*t.
My RAH, was able to hear this from THEM. Even though, for 4 months, I said it nicely, calmly, then increasingly agitatedly. Until I was screaming, "You have lettuce in your teeth!!", LOL...
My point being, I was serving as an escape hatch. I was the person he was allowing himself to scapegoat. And I was expecting something more, so, I also allowed it for a time. I was the one saying it, so it didnt matter, because, of course I find fault in everything.
He called me on Saturday, to let me know that he had been to a meeting after they confronted him, and he had had an AHA moment.
He put it this way:
"You know how you hear stories about a guy who ran into a burning house to save someone? And the news talks to them about it, and they say, ' Oh, it was nothing, really, its just what anybody would do.' Well, it may not be what anybody would do, but it was the decent thing to do. And I feel like I have been a different kind of guy, one who says to the news, 'yeah, I saved the person. I am a hero. Do you want to give me money? Can I get a TV show for it? Im glad you see how great I am..'. .."
If my RAH stayed here, he would never get to that little understanding that we all take for granted from non addicts.
He would have continued to have an escape hatch that was provided by our respective resentful and vengeful dynamics.
I feel very strongly that he should not have come home at all, and I made a mistake. But, he is now learning slowly, and I get to be at arms length, without my life becoming a stressful, terrible mess.
Getting physically sober means no alcohol, but there is more work to do. It is humbling work. It is VERY difficult to co exist with someone who is experiencing that kind of relinquishment of control and realizing all the crap they created while on their bender, and the rest of us were living, coping, growing.
Even if you feel the relationship can be salvaged, and/or you want to see who he/she is after sobriety, I am a big advocate of halfway-house type scenario. This could mean a friend or family members home, but, even then, the A could use anything and everything in their reach to avoid letting the reality hit them.
And that is why I wish he had gone right into his own place after. Its going to be a long time before he catches up, and accepts that real life is not always as fun as looking for the next case of beer, or distraction, and it is his work and his work alone to find joy in there.
Come to think of it, it is the same work I am doing. I am needing to find joy in a life without the distraction of a mess of a partner.
Just my experience. Keep posting