Thank you, guys. I really need the encouragement today. I just really don't feel like I can go on with this. I don't think I can deal with him and GF every week. I already have requests in my e-mail box from her about changing weekends for her kids stupid birthdays.
The urge to run is just so, so strong. The only things really stopping me are 1. he'd follow, 2. maybe if I left DS he wouldn't, 3. if I left DS, I may as well stop breathing, 4. even if I didn't leave DS and even if he didn't follow, I'm told the courts usually give non-custodial parents summers and the idea of XAH being responsible for DS's safety for 3 months makes me shudder.
XAH and GF knew about the not being on the slope last weekend. DS told me today that this weekend he and Daddy and 1 & 2 (her kids) will be shooting off rockets this weekend. He hasn't spoken with his dad since last Sunday's visit. If they f-ing knew (probably 2 weeks ago) that his a-- wasn't going back to the slope, why not be truthful about it up front and not last minute? Oh, yeah. I know the expectation of him doing anything that a reasonable person would do.... Not realistic.
I hate him. I hate that I let myself be knocked off balance over and over and over again and I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to plant my feet to catch the hits without falling over.
I had the best dream last night of just being held; most definitely from my HP. And the ravens were back at DS's school today. So I know HP didn't abandon me. But it hurt so much to wake up and find I was not being held.
I'm all over the place, guys.
I just had a good talk with my boss about this weekend's visit and feel a little more grounded. Still really shaky and scared, but a little better.