Hello, my 2 cents worth after a broken 16 year marriage to an alcoholic wife who I was SO in love with, who I couldn't fix:
1. I was trying to "understand" her, bit by bit. So much of my conscious, waking time was spent on her. This was my precious, finite mental energy. How much time did I spent talking to her and others, considering, convincing, wondering, how I could help solve this puzzle. This was coming from a good place - but it changed me, and in the end, ate me alive. She was thinking of drinking, I was thinking of her drinking. 16 years later, I'm still at square one.
2. The fact that you are watching her drinking and she is asking your permission to drink, is dsyfunctional for both of you. It creeps up on you. This can become normal, but it's not normal.
3. When I was only 6-12 months into the process, I had no idea how bad it could get, how long it could take, how many ups and downs there could be, and how low she could go, taking me with her.
By the time I realized I was married to a full-blown, vodka drinking, can't-stop alcoholic, I was deeply in love and married several years. So many things I did to "help" her, in the end, the bottle won and I lost.
Now I'm trying to figure out what's left of who I used to be. Can I still think independently of her and her drinking? My self-image is not so good. Most people know me as the nice, helpful, forgiving guy with the alcohlic wife who eventually fell off the wagon and cheated on him. I realize that I now view myself as a wounded victim, and it's pathetic.
I don't know what normal people live like, what healthy relationships not centered around alcoholism look like -- but I feel like I've been ramming my head into a brick wall for 16 years.
I'm not telling you what to do, we try real hard not to do that here. But sometimes I hear a word in my head when I'm reading someone else's posts, which I rarely express. That word is: RUN!
Djayr..your post sounds a lot like my situation. It sounds to me like you very much love your wife and have done all you can to preserve the relationship. Myself I have been married for almost 25 years and like you have dealt with a vodka drinking alcoholic that can now barely function. I have watch a beautiful caring and loving woman over the years turn into a foul mouthed hating and verbal abusive alcoholic. What happened? I'm still in awe as to what the alcohol has done to her. I have fought the disease for the past 15 years and lost. You just can't beat this addiction. As a matter of fact my AW actually hates me for it. The more I argued for her sobriety the more she hates me for it. So after almost 25 years of marriage I finally decided to separate. I have been at peace with the decision though I mourn the loss of my marriage and family. I have been attending alanon meeting and they have been a big help. I still struggle with watching the distruction of my wives personality and soul as she surrenders to the bottle and I grieve for what's probably in her future. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to get her sober. The more I try the more she hates me for it. I'm starting to think of me and my happiness and realizing that I still have a life to live and I want to be happy. As hard as it is to move on I know I can do it.