Originally Posted by
Babyblue 
I'll piggy back what Lexie said because many therapists find working with an active drinker/user to be a point in futility.
They can't really do the work needed in that state and the drinker/user can't get the full benefits if they are still actively 'in' it.
Yeah, when AH relapsed in January, the therapist I was seeing said, "He's not ready to handle marital therapy; he needs to work on his sobriety right now." I agreed, but then we gave a few joint sessions a shot with him, me and her. No dice. It was really damaging for me, an uber-display of manipulation and gaslighting from him. I mean, jaw-dropping. The therapist even said at the first session following his relapse, do you think recovery and sobriety should be an integral part of the discussion during these sessions? He said he totally disagreed; he and his sponsor were looking at this as a "little slip"; he was fine and did not feel it was necessary or relevant to our sessions. She asked my thoughts. I said I disagreed with him and felt like his recovery from addiction and my recovery (from him) should be a part of our focus in therapy.
The joint therapist and I concurred that it was sort of pointless (and putting me through unnecessary distress) until it was *clear* he was clean and sober. At that point, with her blessing, I gently confronted him, saying I was concerned about him and did not believe he was maintaining his sobriety, and for that reason, felt therapy was not productive as a tool for our marriage and so wanted to pause it. I got verbally attacked for that but stuck to my guns. I could think of better ways to spend over $100 that was going toward each session, if he was going to keep using.
~emp919