Originally Posted by
XXXXXXXXXX 
Hi,
Mostly a lurker here, but I am so greatful to have found this group, and really appreciate everything I have read. It's nice to not feel so alone.
I haven't posted because most of the posts I have read are from people who are in a place that I haven't made it to, and right now, don't want to be.
I am engaged to be married in April. This should be such a happy time in my life, but there is a black cloud overhead. I know that if we don't make it, it will be be because of his drinking.
A few weeks ago, we had a very bad weekend, and I told him I would leave if he didn't do something. He went to a clinic and was prescribed Campral. He takes it when I give it to him. I know he isn't really ready or willing to give this up. I also know that he is drinking again, not the 6-12 nightly that he was having, but one or two a couple of times a week. He was hiding and lying about it, but I said last night that the hiding and lying were worse than anything else.
I am so afraid that soon I will hear, as I heard before, that he is able and willing to "drink responsibily" and for awhile he will. After a year together, along with a DWI, nights where I slept in the driveway in my car, and weeks where I dreaded the weekend because I knew what was coming, I know posting this might get me flogged with questions of "Why would I want to stay? Why would I think going through with the wedding would be a good idea".
Is anyone there hanging on, trying to be supportive, trying to have better days, and just trying to enjoy the good times? I know I can't change him, I know I didn't cause this. But I really do love him too much to leave?
I'm relatively new here too. This place is a lifesaver...sanity saver and a good
reality check.
I have been w/ my RAH for almost 19 yrs. Married for 14 yrs in Aug. We had a very rocky relationship from the beginning, but I was young, him even younger...and I had a baby. I wanted to give my son a father that would love him...so I was willing to overlook some things I shouldn't have. I didn't know he was an alcoholic but suspected what was to come. Even when we lived apart he was the steady father force in my son's life. I will always be thankful for that. I to this day don't know if that was a good or bad thing for him. My son is almost 19. He's torn between wanting to be here to help me w/ his little brothers and moving on w/ his own life. He is 18!!! These are not decisions that he should be considering.
He has lost all respect for me.
It's because I have been unable to just say enough is enough and move on.
When I cry he tells me "how much longer are you going to let him treat you this way"..
I think he is more damaged by the relationship than he realizes and that is my number one regret.
It is the reason I cannot get on w/ my own recovery from being a codependent....I am not able to forgive myself for allowing this in my children's lives....for bringing children into this situation...and for not getting them out before now. I feel like I put my RAH before my children. I felt he needed me. I spent more time and energy into raising my RAH than my children.
My son recently told me that while he knows I did what I had to and that he loves me...he always felt like he was an 'inconvienence'.
It broke my heart.
He was the reason I brought this man into our lives. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Then when I saw things for what they were I couldn't take the only father he'd ever known away.
And now he feels he needs to stay here and help protect his brothers from the same kind of childhood he had.
Which is solely my fault. I stayed.
It's hard to forgive yourself for that.
I don't know if I can.
Now that my A is in recovery. We are having problems; but I'm trying to be receptive to what could happen if we work hard to get to a good place yet..I don't think I can forgive him either.
I can't tell you what to do but I hope to God that someone you love and trust
does.
This is
NOT the life you want.
I'm telling you right now that you need to leave.
You need to do this for YOU.
His addiction is HIS problem. He doesn't want help. He doesn't want you to have a life of your own...he is too caught up in his alcoholism. That is how this disease works. It will steal your future from you.
I have to tell you to keep reading....
read pages and pages of posts...keep reading til your eyes hurt.
You won't like what you read.
But
I promise you that if you marry this man you will regret it. Your going to look back and wish you had listened to us.
We know the pain your facing...even in recovery...it is a hard road. There are no guarantees it will "stick". There is not an easy fix on this disease..recovery is a lifetime of difficulty. It's never over...
there isnt' a person here who would wish this on their worst enemy...
there is no reason you have to stay....but there is a reason you can't yet decide to go...you have to find out what it is and fix YOU so your next relationship isn't a replica of this one.
Good luck...and please think hard about this your future is in the balance.