I'm figuring it just my old pattern of thinking. I'm really new in my recovery, my desire to still explain intertwined with my desire to not keep things bottled up and risk hurting myself that makes me want to let him know how I feel. For instance, he called wanting to see me today, I'm tired from the work week, I'm still feeling some kinda way from last nights discussion and when I told him I didn't want to, he wanted to know why. His housemates distracted him and I was able to get off the phone without having to "think up" the appropriate response. Now I have a headache and I'm hoping since I'm turning off my phone, he doesn't just show up at my apt.
I have days where detachment is easy - typically the beginning of the week but I'm finding by the time Friday rolls around and I'm tired from work I just don't have the strength. I know I still battle "guilt" and am excepting I'm a full fledged codependent. I really thank y'all for being here for me.
Lexiecat - I do have a sponsor, just got one this week and I'm still kinda feeling her out. I was really hesitant about getting one because of times like this where I feel like I'd be disappointing her. I also am realizing my "control" issues. It's like my AH has controlled so much of my life and I'm trying to get me back and a sponsor feels already like another control mechanism. I'm sure I'm wrong but its just how I feel.