Thanks, LexieCat, for the link. I was the "Provoker" to the letter. Again I will say it was out of ignorance to what I was dealing with, but I provoked my RAH over and over and didn't ever let him forget his bad behavior. I have held grudges and had hurt feelings and sulked and pouted for days on end. I became very predictable with my own behavior.
It has taken me 8 long and painful months to get the words "help and him" out of my vocabulary. That's a no where trip. They don't want our "help" and we don't have what it takes to give it to them, anyway. AA is there to help him. His sponsor is there to help him. I see so many new posters here with the same words...how to I help? what can I do to help? I want to help! Help, smelp. Welcome to the alcoholic roller coaster.
JustStartingOut, welcome to SR. I hope your journey is as eye-opening as mine has been. By finally letting go of the crazy desire to "help" him, I have allowed him to seek the help he needs, on his own terms, and be a grown up about it. And today I can sit back, take care of myself, and respect him for his efforts. I am not sure I could have respected him if I had to play caretaker.
We are into the 4th month of recovery and living separately. He doesn't like that much but I like it so much that I don't intend to live with him again anytime soon! While you are in the early days, go to Al-Anon and work on your own recovery. You may find that your A appreciates this effort on your part very much. And you'll start to feel more confident and competent to deal with whatever comes your way (as early recovery can be bumpy).
Good luck to you, keep coming back, this forum is full of wisdom and experience.
~T