emp919

I need some thoughts and advice...

Last night, my AH was no-show for the younger three girls' birthday party (twins born on 17th, 2nd dd born on 18th). (He does not currently live in our home). I could not reach him. Worried. Didn't make sense. (Although of course it made perfect sense since he is actively drinking/using.) Felt like I was emotionally suspended in mid-air. I did not know what to do or think. I cleaned the house, shopped with the girls and did the library, wrapped the presents, hung the streamers, baked the cake and made the icing. Then ordered the pizza Daddy wasn't bringing over. Then said, "yeah, maybe so" when my oldest wonders where he is and supposes innocent things like maybe he has a flat tire or something.

I was scared to ask the cops to do a well being check on him in case he was just being mean or was wasted but alive; scared he would get angry with me. But the night before I had dreamed he was having seizures and in our 18 years together, I have seen him nearly die a few times. It was a possibility I could not get out of my head.

I was on the phone with a friend for a while (her mom was an alcoholic and got sober and stayed sober when she was about 16 or 17; she said it was like suddenly having her "mom back again"). Then by the time it was 11ish, I was texting with my brother (1 yr sobriety); he said I have nothing to lose by asking the police to do a well-check. Totally nerve wracking. I did it and got the kids to bed; it was just after 11 when I called the police. Regardless of how emotionally manipulative, cruel and passive-aggressive he is toward me, it doesn't make sense not to show up to celebrate the girls' birthday. That made me fear something was wrong.

It was hard to fall asleep but I finally did, only to be woken by my oldest (8) whimpering and crying. I asked her what was wrong. She answered very angrily and would not let me talk to her or help her in any way. I finally got out of her that she was very angry about Daddy. Then big heaving sobs came out. We talked about feelings, about anger... it took about an hour for her to calm down. She had a LOT of emotions pent up. Just kept sobbing.

Then the landline phone started ringing at 1 a.m. It was AH. He wasn't leaving voice mail. My heart started racing and thumping out of my chest. I did not pick up. He started ringing again. He did it three times, one right after another, then once on my cell phone, then again on the landline. I did not pick up. I was shaking from head to foot. I texted my brother and said I was scared, my brother said he was probably either intoxicated and was calling to hassle me about having the police check on him, or possibly in jail trying to make his one phone call, or maybe stuck at the hospital. I did not pick up; if I was his "one call" I was not going to volunteer. Let him call someone he has lied to, someone who thinks all is well with him. If he was calling to hassle me, I was definitely not picking up. I was already shaking and thought my heart was going to bounce out of my body and onto the floor. I could not get to sleep for a long, long time. Kept hearing noises and was scared he was going to show up. Felt around for the rolling pin at the head of my bed.

It's all so ridiculous. So after all of that, I call the police this morning and yeah they checked on AH and he was "fine". This could mean he was drunk but they can't haul him away for being drunk in his own home. This could mean he was perfectly sober and being extremely emotionally cruel to me AND the kids, and if he was sober, I'm sure he gave the cops a big lying earful about our situation. Obviously he was not in any physical danger, nor did the police observe or find anything drug-related (of course they may have just been standing at the door) to arrest him. I have to confess I am disappointed and now I am scared, I do not want to see him this weekend (he usually "visits" the kids on the weekend.) My daughter is angry with him. I feel like if he showed up, my daughter would act out because of her tremendous anger, and / or be ultra giddy with him, trying (pitifully) to win his heart and get a sense that he really does care, etc. I hate watching this play out from one weekend to the next as it is. I don't want him over here. I am tired of him coming over with his hands shaking, smelling like dryer sheets; it would seem he is either under the influence or just freshly off the influence of something whenever he is over here with the children. That creeps me out. But if he hasn't been physically intimidating or threatening, doesn't it seem like a protective order that prevents him from seeing any of us (kids included) is over the top? What does "no contact" mean? Is that through a protective order or just a mutual understanding between two people? What are my options? What would be my best course right now, for today (not talking eventualities concerning our relationship, just talking about his anger, post-police check; his "rights" that he talks about concerning seeing the kids, my feeling intimidated, what can I either say to him, say to the police, or put in place so that nothing escalates further, and that the children and I aren't emotionally yanked around (amazing how he can do this remotely!?))

I don't know, I feel like I can't do anything right and even calling last night not to rat on him but because I was telling my brother I was scared he was dead or had a seizure, seems to have backfired and only created more anger and contempt on his side. I doubt myself sometimes, but sober or not, there is nothing "normal" about him just not showing up for his own childrens' birthday party. And it is like the "Emporor's New Clothes" -- he has absolutely no capacity right now to look clearly at his own actions, to see how he is affecting his little girls, or me. The delusion is complete. He seems to get angrier with me precisely because he does not see anything odd, weird, inappropriate, sick, twisted, distorted about his dealings with his own family members.

At the moment I am considering that if I hear from him today and he is in any way intimidating, that should be enough for me to call and inquire about protective orders. I am really distressed and disappointed that last night's step on my part has done nothing but intensify his anger. It just didn't make sense to me that he would skip out on his daughters' birthday party.

I'm going to take the girls to the pet store and a craft store and maybe take a walk in the spring weather. Advice much appreciated; thanks for reading.

~emp919