Hi All,
I came across this website and I am happy I did a few months back. I was doing quite well after obtaining some suboxone by going behind the back of the dope-man's back to get two 8mg strips, and I split it up to 5 days. All was better than I could remember. Spending "real" quality time with the wife, going to church, helping others in my 12-step meeting by sharing ESH. The partial agonist properties were great - not dope-sick and not high. But me-being-me I again found the hell of heroin addiction.
It crept up faster than I could remember, the lies to my wife to get the magic 80 dollars a day (fishing equipment, going out with co-workers, etc-EVERY DAY) but the excuses quickly ran out. You see, I confided in everyone close to me that I was enslaved by opiates years ago (of course I couldnt say heroin due to the stigma that so many have). It felt great to confide, but now I cant if I want to stay with my wife, I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!
Well here I am again. I know that a 5 day detox with suboxone will help, but its NEVER in the best interest of the scum that peddle dope to see a customer get better and stop calling or showing up for a fix. I am lost. I cant go to work as I'm too sick, but I cant let others know the road that I chose to take again. Even my therapist! My shame is killing me, almost as much as the dope sickness!!
That 72 hours is SO HARD TO GET TO for me. Only then can I truly work on my program. I feel so lost to the point that I wonder, "Whats the use?". I'm not suicidal - just incredibly ashamed about it all. Will this cycle always continue??? I have tried it all (except the obvious - DONT PICK UP) but this is a chore beyond anyone's expectations unless they too have suffered the ravages of this drug.
I dont know where to begin. I'm sick of the lies. I have a wife that loves me for some reason, a family thats there, and some nice guys in the fellowship-all of which I lie to. But all of the withdrawl is still there that I had to fix again today as I thought I would LITERALLY die (dizziness, stomach cramps, watering everything, seats, you name it - It has been test-book). I hate the fact that I have become the quinticential "junkie". With the lies and all. I dont want it anynore, and I dont want to go on methadone due to the horrors involved with it.
And going to a suboxone Dr. will not only get me ratted out to the ones that love me - who WILL leave me, and I feel I am stronger - even though I truely know I'm not. I pray there is a magic pill, there is, and to me its suboxone, but I am so scared and sick, and nobody in the scum-underground wants to loose a customer with the healing powers of it.
I am lost what to do, and anyones ES&H is greatly appreciated. I'm sick of the isolation of shame, not picking up the phone, the depression has dug in deep this time and I want it gone - but I have this few days to get through before I can do anything. I know if I cop, it just delays the inevitable - And I know it is inevitable....
