Hi Wanttohelp, my situation right now is very, very similar to yours. I don't want to instill false hope, but I hope you find what I say to be helpful. My very first post on here was asking if I should talk to my ABF (now) RABF in person or write him a letter to tell him how I feel about his alcoholism and out relationship (I subsequently had that post deleted for various reasons). I was not ready to leave my relationship, and I'm still not. I am still in it. I got a lot of varied responses from everyone on here. When I didn't like the ones I heard? I went over to the alcoholism forum to read their stories of recovery and ask them what their "bottom" was to try and get some hope in my situation that maybe I could somehow be my RABF's "bottom." I've been on this site for about 1.5 months, read books, gone to Alanon, gone to couples therapy with RABF, now in personal therapy also and learned HUGE amounts of information. And, sometimes there is hope. But the alcoholic has to be ready to change HIMSELF, from the inside out. Some of my thoughts were identical to yours re: my RABF. I set a boundary and told him "I don't want to marry an active alcoholic... what you do with that information is your choice, but I need to protect myself from the hurts, the fears, the anger, the sadness, and the pain, and I will do whatever it takes to protect MYSELF." That's the short version.
My RABF experiences with drinking have been varied, some severe, and he was a high functioning binge drinker (only lost control SOMETIMES), not an everyday drinker. But obviously not severe enough for him to hit HIS rock bottom. So I thought, if I can raise his "bottom," by "loving him enough", by "trying to convince him" that he is worthy of love and having a better life, by "teaching him" that alcoholism is progressive and destructive, maybe he will take this chance to opt out! He DID choose to stop drinking. As of right now. He has been "sober" for 35 days. But there are some very serious things that I want to say next.
I set my boundary which I am holding, and he made the choice to stop drinking on his own I know he loves me, but I keep reminding myself that sometimes love isn't enough. There is a lot of work to be done now the alcohol is removed, but his work is his, and my work is mine All of the things I quoted- loving him enough, teaching him, convincing him= codependent thinking My codependency, my wanting him to change and not accepting who he is TODAY, has made ME just as toxic to the relationship, rendering it unhealthy, as the alcohol was toxic
I see a lot of similar thinking in your post to my thinking (which is starting to shift now).
I tried to walk away from him... more than once. The thing is, I couldn't.
You chose not to. You do have choices. You're not ready. That's OK.
but I know without me, he has no one else in his life to encourage him to have a good life.
This is a TON of pressure to put on yourself.. and is what makes us start to go crazy trying harder and harder to get them to see, understand, realize, change
If he didn't drink, we would be perfect. His issues go way deeper than just drinking. He can be whoever he wants to be and can have whatever he wants
Here's what I realized what was so awful for me in this thinking: Its essentially saying "I love you the way I know you could be." Translation "I don't love you the way you are." I apologized to him for my codependent thinking. My thinking WAS the truth however, and now I am working on accepting him the way he is instead of the way I hope will be, or could be. Knowing the truth of that thought really made me sad, for me, and for him.
Another sad truth, is that... maybe he IS whoever he wants to be, and maybe he HAS whatever he wants. Maybe his issues are too deep and too scary for him to bring to the forefront. Once he acknowledges them, he has to deal with them or live with it, because you can't un-acknowledge them. Thats a scary thing. (this applies to your BF and mine, I think!!)
I saw a glimmer of hope last weekend. So, I went out on a whim and asked him if he was saying that he didn't want to drink anymore - that he had had enough? And he said yes, then drank his coffee and didn't have another beer that night.
I suggest you review the Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief and Stages of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente. It might help you to understand where you are right now in your process, as well as getting an idea of where he is. For me, the process is unraveling fairly quickly, but for my RABF, it is moving much much slower. Knowing the stages and seeing where he falls, gives me some perspective as to how long I might "wait to see" what changes in him and what doesn't. And if he might relapse in the whole process!! Scary! But again, I love my RABF too, and I'm not ready to give up. It sounds like your BF with this statement is at least starting to consider some deeper meaning, or is at least doing some deeper processing.
He just won't see the truth for what it is.
This is denial.
I know that I don't deserve to live this way, and trust me, I do not want to spend my life taking care of him, or avoiding him, or sleeping on the couch. I do take care of myself, and I have a good life.
Keep this thinking at the forefront!!
I know that walking away is the easy thing to do
.
Walking away is HARDLY the easy thing to do, and may very well be the hardest part of all of this. Especially when
all we want is to love them, to "help" them, "save" them... we want, hope, pray that they will see what we see, that they will know what we know.
but isn't ready to admit it yet.
Again, this is denial. But possibly, he is inbetween the stages mentioned above.
How do you love someone and be with them without enabling them? How do you let them know that you love them and are always there for them without condoning their behavior?
Detachment with love. I am working on this.. learning to push through my fears and anxiety and worry of all that might happen to me if I leave, if I stay, if he relapses, if he hits bottom and dies, throw anything else in there you like.
I believe that all alcoholics have good intentions, can be good people, and do love and care about their family and friends. But, they still can't control their actions.
True, true, true, and true!
There-in lies my problem
His not controlling his actions is not your problem. The problem is in the thinking that has resulted of you being in a relationship with an alcoholic, the codependency.
When is the breaking point? When is the point where I know that he is never going to get help? How do I know he is never going to get help? He has changed so much in the last year, so how do I know that wanting to stop drinking is not going to be his next step? I know I can hope and pray all I want, but it has to be his decision. But, I don't know if he will ever make that decision. What if he does? What if I throw away everything we have believing he will never change, but what if he would have changed?
Of course the cliche answer here is you can't predict the future. But, you can read the stages of grief and change and get a baseline, and you can observe his actions. You can learn to live your life in a healthy way and still love the alcoholic- thus accepting him the way he is. Any quite possibly in your journey, you will learn that YOU matter most, and not him and his "recovery" or lackthereof.
I honestly really wish you well. I hope I didn't offend in any way, if anything, my intention was to share my similar experience and some of the clarity that I have gained so far. I will pray for you to have strength in getting through this journey. You are not alone and coming to SR was just the beginning for me. The journey is so so hard, but its well worth it!!