Gaslighting: From Bad to Worse
"Gaslighting tends to work in stages. At first, it may be relatively minor— indeed, you may not even notice it. When your boyfriend accuses you of deliberately trying to undermine him by showing up late to his office party, you attribute it to his nerves or assume he didn’t really mean it or perhaps even begin to wonder whether you were trying to undermine him— but then you let it go.
Eventually, though, gaslighting becomes a bigger part of your life, preoccupying your thoughts and overwhelming your feelings. Finally, you’re mired in full-scale depression, hopeless and joyless, unable even to remember the person you once were, with your own point of view and your own sense of self.
Of course, you may not proceed through all three stages. But for many women, gaslighting goes from bad to worse.
Stage 1: Disbelief
Stage 1 is characterized by disbelief. Your gaslighter says something outrageous— “That guy who asked us for directions was really just trying to get you into bed!”— and you can’t quite believe your ears. You think you’ve misunderstood, or maybe he has, or maybe he was just joking. The comment seems so off the wall, you might let it go. Or perhaps you try to correct the error but without a whole lot of energy. Maybe you even get into long, involved arguments, but you’re still pretty certain of your own point of view. Although you’d like your gaslighter’s approval, you don’t yet feel desperate for it...
Stage 2: Defense
Stage 2 is marked by the need to defend yourself. You search for evidence to prove your gaslighter wrong and argue with him obsessively, often in your head, desperately trying to win his approval...
You know you’re in Stage 2 if you frequently feel obsessive, sometimes desperate. You’re no longer sure you can win your gaslighter’s approval— but you haven’t given up hope.
Stage 3: Depression
Stage 3 gaslighting is the most difficult of all: depression. At this point, you are actively trying to prove that your gaslighter is right, because then maybe you could do things his way and finally win his approval. Stage 3 is exhausting, though, and you are often too worn out to argue.
My patient Melanie was fully ensconced in Stage 3. Melanie was a lovely woman of about thirty-five who worked as a marketing analyst for a major New York corporation...
The incident that had provoked her visit was a trip to the supermarket. She had been rushing up and down the aisles, trying to gather the groceries she needed for the dinner party she was giving that night for her husband and his colleagues. Jordan had asked her to prepare her special grilled salmon steaks, pointing out that his friends were health-conscious and would expect wild salmon. But when Melanie got to the fish counter, she discovered that only farm-raised salmon was available. She had two choices: buy the inferior fish or plan another main course.
“I just started shaking,” she told me as her sobs subsided. “All I could think was how disappointed Jordan would be. The look on his face as I told him that I couldn’t find the salmon, that it just wasn’t there. The questions I would face— ‘Did you not think to go early enough, Melanie? You’ve made this dish before, you know what’s involved. Didn’t you care enough about this evening? I’ve told you how important it was to me. What mattered more to you, Melanie, than making sure this dinner came off properly? No, please, tell me, I’d really like to know.’*”
Melanie took a deep breath and reached for a Kleenex. “The thing about those questions is, they just don’t stop. I’ve tried to laugh it off, to explain, even to apologize. I’ve tried to tell him why something doesn’t work— but he never believes me.” She slumped a little farther down on the couch and pulled her sweater around her more tightly. “He’s probably right. I used to be so organized, so on top of things. But even I can see what a mess I’ve become. I don’t know why I can’t do anything right anymore. I just can’t.”
Melanie was an extreme example of the Gaslight Effect— someone who had so completely bought into her gaslighter’s negative view of her that she could no longer access her true self. To some extent, Melanie was right: She had actually become the helpless, incompetent person that her gaslighter kept telling her she was. She had so idealized her husband and wanted so desperately to win his approval that she took his side even when he accused her of something she knew she hadn’t done— in this case, being careless about his party. It was easier to give in and agree that Jordan was right than face the fact that he was behaving badly and she would probably never win his wholehearted, permanent approval, which she needed— or thought she did— to complete her sense of self.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]