The Gaslight Effect
I've been reading "The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Other People Use to Control Your Life" by Robin Stern and its opening my eyes to so much. I've mentioned it on some posts and others can identify with it so I decided to do a thread on it.
CHAPTER 1: WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?
"The Gaslight Effect results from a relationship between two people: a gaslighter, who needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world; and a gaslightee, who allows the gaslighter to define her sense of reality because she idealizes him and seeks his approval. Gaslighters and gaslightees can be of either gender, and gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]
"For example, Katie’s gaslighting boyfriend insists that the world is a dangerous place and that Katie’s behavior is inappropriate and insensitive. When he feels stressed or threatened, he has to be right about these issues, and he has to get Katie to agree that he is. Katie values the relationship and doesn’t want to lose Brian, so she starts to see things from his point of view. Maybe the people they meet are laughing at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious. Gaslighting has begun.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]
"Liz’s boss insists that he really cares about her and that any concerns she has are because she’s paranoid. Liz wants her boss to think well of her— after all, her career is at stake— so she starts to doubt her own perceptions and tries to adopt his. But her boss’s view of things really doesn’t make sense to Liz. If he’s not trying to sabotage her, why is she missing all those meetings? Why are her clients failing to return her calls? Why is she feeling so worried and confused? Liz is so trusting that she just can’t believe anyone could be as blatantly manipulative as her boss seems to be; she has to be doing something that warrants his terrible treatment. Wishing desperately for her boss to be right, but knowing deep down that he isn’t, makes Liz feels completely disoriented, no longer sure of what she sees or what she knows.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]
"Mitchell’s mother insists that she’s entitled to say anything she wants to her son and that he is being rude if he objects. Mitchell would like to see his mother as a good, loving person, not as someone who says mean things to him. So when she hurts his feelings, he blames himself, not her. Both Mitchell and his mother agree: the mother is right, and Mitchell is wrong. Together, they are creating the Gaslight Effect.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]
"Of course, Katie, Liz, and Mitchell all have other choices. Katie might ignore her boyfriend’s negative remarks, ask him to stop making them, or as a last resort, break up with him. Liz could say to herself, “Wow, this new boss is a piece of work. Well; maybe that smarmy charm has fooled everyone else in this company— but not me!” Mitchell might reply calmly, “Sorry, Mom, but you’re the one who owes me an apology.” All of them could decide that, on some basic level, they are willing to live with their gaslighters’ disapproval. They know they are good, capable, lovable people, and that’s all that matters.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]
"The problem is, gaslighting is insidious. It plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty— especially if there’s a grain of truth in his words, or if he’s hit on one of our pet anxieties— it can be very difficult not to believe him. And when we idealize the gaslighter— when we want to see him as the love of our life, an admirable boss, or a wonderful parent— then we have even more difficulty sticking to our own sense of reality.", [Dr. Robin Stern, The Gaslight Effect]
My scenario tends to play out like this:
AH: What's wrong with you this morning? Why do you have an attitude?
ME: You embarrassed me last night, carrying on like that in the street.
AH: What are you talking about?
ME: You started yelling at me in the street, telling me I was being disrespectful and then dragged me down the street to the house. I broke my new sandals and everything.
AH: What are you talking about? You were being overly emotional and out of control so I had to restrain you and bring you home. You know how you overreact. You really need to control yourself when we're out so these things don't happen. You know I love and you and only want to protect you.
Well, As you can imagine the conversation goes back and forth until I'm sitting there questioning myself and what I did like even if I was hysterical I deserved to be dragged down the street, out of my shoes into the house. This is the essence of gaslighting...