When I was talking to with my AH on Tuesday, I asked if he had remembered that he was court ordered by the protective order I got last Aug to an abuser intervention program. He said he contacted them, sent them the info and they didn't get back to him so "Oh well!" My stinking thinking kicked in and I immediately expressed concern they may issue a warrant or something. He told me if I was worried about it, then I could look into it. When he said that my recovery brain FINALLY kicked in and I decided it was his issue and responsibility.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately since joining Al Anon. Most of it has been CAL literature intertwined with some fiction to lighten my ever active analyzing brain. However, these last two days I started reading "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of Angry & Controlling Men" and "Gaslighting." Well, today as I was reading the Angry & Controlling Men book, I thought about that conversation and called the lawyer who helped me get my protective order. I was curious about what the consequences were if he didn't do the program. (Reading about abusers and realizing just how abusive he is really got my going.) The surprise was on me as she told me he had started it in Nov & then discharged for no shows in mid-Nov. I got immediately angry.
It conveniently coincided with when he "hit bottom" and had everyone calling on his behalf for me to help him get into detox. He wouldn't call himself he claimed because of the protective order. I know now it was him dodging responsibility. But anyway, I got angry because I felt so used. Like once again I had let him manipulate me into getting what he wanted and then once obtained it was back to business as usual of degradation & insults & A. All that time and energy to get him into detox only to now, not even 5 months later he's drinking again.
He's so quick to tell me he can't trust me because I'm sneaky and deceitful, not telling him every minute detail of my day whether we're together or not; not accounting for every penny I spend, when I'm the one working & paying bills. Like he really thinks that when we go thru periods of separation I'm supposed to take daily notes so I can tell him everything that's happened when he decides he wants to talk to me again.
But he's the liar. He's the deceitful one. He says he's done drinking. He says he'll never hurt me again. When I left my house, which I own to move in with him in his uncle's basement, he'd never put me out or take my keys. All he wants to do is get sober, get whatever therapy he must so he can be a good husband and take care of me the way I deserve. And I like a fool fall for it every time! It's the disease I say. It's his drug addicted & neglectful parents I say. It's the baby momma of 4 of his children who convinced him at age 15 (she was 22) that he had to "smack her around" sometimes to keep her in line. Oh, I had plenty of excuses for him. I even want to hope their wrong. That its a clerical error. I called the program directly and left a message for the victim advocate to call me back. I really can't believe he'd be so diabolical and manipulative.
I called him and left him some very angry messages. He didn't get them when he finally called me this evening. He knew by my voice something was wrong and when i told him, of course he denied it. Said he couldn't believe he had to explain something like this to me. That i handle all his medical & business affairs and something like this involving jail he wouldn't play with. I don't see why he's spent 13 of his 37yrs in jail and definitely knows how to manipulate the system. I told him he was a liar and referenced his repeated denial of his affair of last year, only to have the woman tell me since she felt I was such a loving wife. If she hadn't felt guilty and confessed I'd still be believing his faithfulness.
He hung up saying how upset he was that I didn't believe him and he'd have to talk to me later. He hasn't called back yet. I probably gave him this evenings excuse to drink but I'm just tired of tippy toeing around his addiction. I'm tired of having to be the bigger person and keeping my feelings to myself when he has no problem spitting venomous words at my without discretion. I just couldn't let this one go. If it's a mistake fine I'll apologize but if it's not this may just be my breaking point... either way my eyes are open and I refuse to be his personal punching bag and doormat anymore.
