Originally Posted by
courageouscrane 
Thanks to all for your feedback. I am trying one day at a time, but it is really like one minute at a time, and making days seem as long as years.
With the exception of this most recent beer-hiding incident, he has always been painfully honest with me. And while I don't like the aCTION of drinking, there have never really been any "bad" actions on his part.
I am finding myself running through a whole spectrum of emotions, from feeling like he is the love of my life, to feeling mad that he can't even call me. I wish that there could be something...an apology, a f*** you, a "we should break up," a "I can't stop drinking," a "I'm moving to Mongolia"...something, ANYTHING, for at least some closure. I'm sitting here staring at a big pile of his stuff on my desk, and don't really want to throw it in a bag and leave it on his porch.
Maybe it is too soon, but the more distance we have, the more confusing things seem. The longer we go without talking, the more I think about how much I love him, and how important he is to me, and how irreplacable our love seems. But at the same time, it hurts so badly that this man who told me just one week ago that he loved me, that I am his best friend, that I am the love of his life, can't even call me. And that makes me think that he only loved me when I "let" him drink...that his promises that beer would never come before me are all lies, and beer has won hands-down
Alcoholics don't have the capacity to give back as you or I do. All that emotional space is taken up or dulled by the drinking. Not that he doesn't love you, that part of him just isn't available to function as you need it to. When I start to struggle with trying to make sense of why they do what they do, I get some good feedback from friends who are recovered (either from drinking or addiction). It is that 'insider perspective' that helps me the most.
What they all tell me is to not take the inconsistent, confusing things personally. But that is easier said than done when you are sitting there with very strong feelings for this person and trying to understand the connection you share. It is like holding the healthy good things of the relationship and wondering why anyone in their right mind would put that down and walk away. In my worst moments I vent about the RABF 'screwing this up!!', meaning, he is mucking up something which could be great if only...... that is where we get trapped, it isn't about the potential you see in him, it is about what he is doing to you now that matters.
It hurts, is confusing and he is avoiding you. All that other stuff you gotta leave alone; his recovery, his intentions, motives, his drinking,... all that is about him. Only he can work with that.
Trust me in that I could have written your post but the only true advice I can give is to try to detach for your benefit. I prefer the whole detaching thing as opposed to no contact but detaching isn't easy. In my head I just imagine I am putting down this chaotic bowl of emotions he and I share and stepping away until he is in a better space to deal with it. It may or may not happen. For someone who is actively drinking though, that may be a long wait