Bear with me on this, I am trying something recommended in a self help book:
1) Grateful today for my father... Such a complex, unique human being. Grateful that I believe that he did the best he could raising his 5 kids.
2) Grateful that although I've always known our relationship has been unhealthy, I am learning things about myself and life because of it.
3) Grateful that such a dominant figure has been placed in my life, because it may force me to begin to understand myself and force me to stick up for myself for once.
4) Grateful that I do not want to blame him anymore, I truly want to find my own path and begin to be accountable for my actions.
5) Grateful that I hope to love him yet not be affected by his comments and actions anymore.
6) Grateful my father loves his grandchildren.
7) Grateful that my father has my Mom to take care of him.
8) Grateful that I love my Mom very much. My Mom is a classic enabler, but I can understand why she is like that. Grateful that I don't expect her to ever stop defending him. That will never happen, so why not just move past that Reub?
9) Sorry that I unloaded on my Mom the other day, but grateful that maybe it was a turning point... a turning point that I will have to choose where to go next. Don't have a map handy, but maybe Dora's will appear soon like on tv
. Grateful I have hopes that this may lead to a better place.
10) Grateful I know in my heart that I am a kind person and I don't want to punish either of them (I haven't been over to see them in a while and thus they haven't seen my boyz which is very painful for them). I've heard through the grapevine they are mad at me which is understandable. Our family avoids confrontation at all costs, so me going off on my poor Mom the other day has really thrown us all for a loop. Grateful that I am teachable and am learning about codependence. Grateful I took an hour out of my day to read a self-help book. Grateful that I have hopes this will work out in the long run.
11) Grateful to realize that indeed, no one can read my mind (even if *I* think I am very transparent) and if I feel threatened or trodden upon, I need to speak up for myself (quickly if possible) and not fester and fester until I explode (classic Reub).
12) Grateful for SR and the grat pack. Finally feel I am learning a little bit about recovery almost a year after getting sober. Baby steps.