StrongEnuf

Hi all, I am new to this site... I have been trolling a little here and there for a while and reading others posts and you all have helped me thru alot in the past year or so since I found these forums. Reading some of your posts have put a knot in my stomach from time to time, when I realize "OMG I am not crazy, I am not the only person with these EXACT same problems". I decided it was time to finally reach out to introduce myself since your posts along with my situation have given me such strength to say ENUF is ENUF.

So here goes....

I met AH when I was 16 and he was 28 (match made in heaven!) he was a heavy drinker and I loved the fact that he would buy me alcohol so I was blind, he pretty much immediately fell "in love" with me. We moved in together just a few months after we met. And why at 16 did my parents allowed it? Because they could still collect thier foodstamps and welfare for me whether I was in thier house or not as long as I was under 18 so what did they really care ?!?!?
We were married by the time I was 19, because I needed health insurance.
A year later we had our first child who was born with disabilities, this is when I realized that life was no longer just about me (I was 20). I got a full time job to cover my sons medical expenses and threw all my focus into caring for my son (multiple surgeries and visiting nurses ect) really didnt leave me time to focus on myself or realize what AH was or wasnt doing. And when I noticed I had other grown up things to worry about.

For example, when I came home from work one night and found my infant son sleeping soundly in his room and my 30+ year old husband and his friends partying in my kitchen with a big pile of blow layed out on the same counter where I prepare meals for my SON ! And cases upon cases of beer cans EMPTY on the counter. I threw all his friends out, wiped up the coke with a wet spunge (HA HA) got yelled at by one of AH friends? for wasting his cut... blah blah (funny thinking back that my reaction to him was "how bout I call your wife and tell her what you are over here doing, you think she will even let you back into your house?" Of course she wouldnt! )

So moving on - I cleaned up thier mess and carried on. Which I now realize I have been doing for the last 15 years with AH.

We now have 4 children together, and for the second time in a year DYS is involved with our family. And this time its differant because the social worker who came out with our "family care plan" stated that I did not acknowledge the affects that my husbands alcoholism is having on our children.

I sat and thought hard about those words, and I realize that she was right and wrong! I fully acknowledge the affects that my AH has on my children, BUT I never knew how to stop this cycle, how to heal myself from years of the mental abuse that I have endured.

He is a great guy (when SOBER) he has grown into a very attentive giving father (when SOBER) and a loving Husband (when SOBER). But thats the problem he is hardly EVER SOBER.

He is a stay at home dad. And does not drink during the day, although he smokes enough pot that he is numb to the chaos. When I get home from work, we have dinner as a family. And by 6-7 pm he has his first drink, by 9-10 pm his Dr jekyl Mr Hyde switch flips and suddenly he accusing me of cheating, accusing me of not loving him, not being there for the kids enough (I work!) I would prefer to be the stay at home parent but he has no education and a horrible work ethic and history. I have to remind myself everyday that the ONLY reason I go to work everyday is for well being of my children

Usually when these insults start, I convince him I love him - thru sex.

But there have been times (usually when I have been drinking as well) that I can not control my anger or hurt and have gotten provoked into slapping him which ALWAYS ends with both of covered in blood and bruises and the police knocking at our door!

AH has 2 OUI's and a breathalizer in his truck, he has 4 domestic assault charges, would be more but I refused to testify and used the spousal preotectiona ct my states has. He has been to rehab, and anger management classes (both before we got married and after). He has seeked counseling and AA and it never lasts.

I am not a "drinker" but I do go out for girls nights with my sisters once a month (sometimes less) and sometimes enjoy a beer if I am having dinner out. Differance being I can have 2 and get a buzz then just stop! I am not justifying myself but I know that the fact that we fistfight "usually" when we have both been drinking doesn't sound good. But i just wanted to point out that I do not drink with him on a regular basis only on occasion.

Soooooo anyway, I have officially hit my rock bottom!

13 days ago, we went out to dinner with my sis and her husband it was over a 2 hour drive there and back, and since he has a breathalizer installed in his truck we took mine I was exhausted and did not want to make the ride back so we grabbed a hotel room. It got really bad - the insults, the name calling, he broke me, I felt hopeless and stuck. He would not let me leave the room... I just wanted to get away from him. I wanted to leave him there and drive home and let him figure out how to get home. He smashed the windshield of my truck so I couldnt drive it home.

I grabbed the bible out of the side table wrote good bye letters to my children. Broke a vase in the room and proceeded to attempt slitting my own wrist. But I ended up cutting my finger so bad breaking the vase that I couldnt even hold the glass to complete my attempt. I wrapped up my hand sat for a minute and thought "what am I doing, he is not worth this! I can not leave my children with this man for the rest of thier lives" I was done. I tried to go to sleep and AH decided that would be a good time for make up sex! That did not happen. I held my grund ignored him til morning when he was mostly sober and told him how done I really am.

He has assured me that he is going to stay SOBER this time FOREVER (still hasnt been to a meeting). I made it very clear to him - I refuse to stay in an abusive relationship, I dont care if he stops drinking or not that is completely his choice but I refuse to put myself or my children thru anymore of this crap and that is my choice.

He has been sober for 13 days, but like I said hasn't been to a meeting. Yesterday he was trying to rationalize with me on why he should be able to drink in a responsible manner. And I reminded him that he does not need my permission to drink if he wants to drink then go ahead and drink. I know he knows this time is differant because this is the first time I DONT CARE. I am so numb to everything that I just dont care about him anymore.

But I mean what I say, I will not remain married to an abusive drunk anymore,
I have wasted my entire adult life this way, and I deserve to be happy not numb.



Ok lots of rambling - so sorry - this is only part of it as I am sure you are all aware.