Thank you! I feel like a sponge right now trying to soak up as much as I can and the information on this is site wonderful to have. I read Codependence No More about 6 months ago, and started therapy just before that (therapist had me read the book). I thought I understood enough and Mr. Charming was around enough that it was all working, but that illusion smacked me in the face the last few weeks when I found out he continued to drink. MY irritation with it, my sickness with it is what drove me to this point and that is why I FINALLY went to Alanon for the first time yesterday. I fully plan to keep going and I am continuing my therapy as well.
For me where I am lacking the knowledge is how to handle AH via detachment. AH is not physically abusive, and while really difficult to be around some of the time, he really isn't verbally abusive either. I think because those boundaries were there from the beginning, even before I knew what a boundary was! The very few times he crossed the line on being verbally abusive, I had ZERO tolerance for it. Being abusive is a deal breaker, period.
So when he returns today and is nice, not argumentative, wants to tell me he loves me and leans in to kiss me...what do I do? I feel like if I accept his "love" and be nice back without a discussion on where I am at in all of this, I am not being genuine because I do not trust it (his love). I only want his "love" if it really is HIS love, not his illness. I do think he loves me, I do think he wants our marriage to work, but I think he loves his A more. Therefore at this point in time I struggle with knowing his motivation. Is is being nice and giving love because he is nice and giving love or is it part of the "dance". In the past I have accepted the love, the niceness but now I feel it is only part of the game. I think he needs to know that is how I feel. Let me say that again... "I" need him to know that is how I feel. For me I think it sets the stage of moving forward. There is no expectation of anything more from me... no affection, no sex because now I do not trust him and his love. The only thing that will change that is time, both of us getting healthy and lots of him doing the right thing. For me this is how I view detachment. Am understanding this right? I get what it means to detach when he is baiting me to argue, being grumpy, being secretive, in a bad mood etc... but I am not sure I get how to do it the rest of the time because I struggle with what is part of the dance and what is not. Am I getting my point across because I struggle with this?
This is what I would like to do and want to make sure it is fits in with getting healthy. Let me know what you guys think.
I want to have a conversation with him sometime soon, when the timing is right. Could be tonight, but sometime between now and over the weekend. I want to tell him I now understand my illness better, that I need to get healthy and that I have to focus on me and getting healthy. I want him to be healthy too, and I feel the I have been in the way of him finding recovery, because I believe his attempts at it to this point were for me, not because he was really ready to recover. I want to tell him that while I do think he loves me, I believe he loves A more. Therefore when he is Mr. Charming I find it hard to know if that love is genuine or if it is part of his "dance" so he can continue to use. I need to detach at this point until I can trust that he is being genuine and he is in recovery. This is something that is not fixable in a few days or a few weeks or a few months. This is going to take time. During this time I will be focused on my own recovery so that I can be a happier, calmer person and mom.
What do you think?