Reading back over your first post, this bit intrigued me:
If you know what happens when he spends time with his family, why did you suggest that he went to visit? I'm not blaming you for any of his behaviour, however that dynamic seems self-defeating for you. You don't need to answer that question on here (or at all - feel free to ignore me!). I recognize it from when I was involved with an alcoholic and for me I (subconsciously) created situations where there would be an argument because I was SO blooming angry that I needed a reason to let off steam at him. [/QUOTE]
That may be the case with me as well but I didn't thoroughly explain the thing with his family... He has been hinting at wanting to go, but feeling guilty about going and not being with the kids and I on a weekend day to do so, has talked about guilt about how he should go but doesn't know if he wants to (his dad is an alcoholic and dying a slow miserable death as a result).
So, after weeks of hearing about the "I think I should go" and knowing he wouldn't take the initiative to go, I suggested he go see them (bc I am always worried his dad will die and he will regret not having seen him in a long time). I also thought that having him visit would be a good way to have peace for the day.
I was okay until he started playing hardball upon his return bc he didn't like my detached demeanor. In the past I would have obsessed about how much he and his family would have spent time bad mouthing me but I didn't think of it at all until he started in with his nastiness.
I don't know if that makes sense...
I have been in the position of probably suggesting things in the past so that I could have something to be angry about that was outside of him (since expressing hurt or anger about his treatment is against the "rules"). But I don't think that was the case this time.
Then again, maybe it was.
You've given me something to think about. Thank you!