I got home Fri to find my (attempting to recovery- so he says)alcoholic husband in a decent mood. I didn't let myself get hopeful about this as I would have in the past. Maybe sensing my trying to stay a bit detatched he went all out, thanking me for being so supportive, telling me he wants to get a sitter and go out together, asking me what I want to do for me over the weekend.... Nice stuff.
I had plans to go out with my mom Fri night. I debated changing plans with her to Sat and doing something with H Fri night but didn't.
I went out with my mother and as the evening went on started getting texts from H telling me he missed me and was eager to see me when I got back. I wanted desperately to believe this was genuine but my gut told me that this was a sign he was drinking (he is very predictable and does the same things everytime). I didn't think more about it, had a nice time and went home looking fwd to seeing him (BIG MISTAKE- I let myself hope I guess?)
I got home and he was drunk. I tried to put on my best poker face but my sadness showed and he wanted to talk (and acted like he was sorry which sucked me in). I said I wanted to just go to bed and he asked me to stay and talk which I did. It was a waste of breath and a lot of me trying to "educate" him about what he does and give him ideas about how to develop a relapse prevention plan (I mean, I really have gotten obsessed with trying to be his savior and it's made me as crazy as him).
I went to bed with him telling me he was going to continue drinking and that he hoped this wouldn't alter our plans for a nice rest of the weekend. I told him I couldn't promise him anything.
The rest of the weekend went like this: I was disappointed, took his drinking on Fri personally, saw it as a sign that the nice things he'd said to me on Fri were just a scam, resented him for expecting to drink and lie to me and still think that he'd get to have me be eager to have this "nice" weekend he had planned with him....
I took our kids for a day trip on Sat (that I'd hoped he'd join us on). Instead he made a HUGE show of telling me in intricate detail what he was going to do to work on his program during the day (it involved starting to write and make a plan etc...). I did not ask him to tell me this or respond other than to say, okay.
I got home late Sat afternoon and he came running to tell me how hard he'd worked all day (despite evidence that he'd been watching movies all day) and that he'd "read" and thought a lot about what he wants to do. I tried to get out of the room and not show I was upset but he stood and wanted to "talk" and I teared up. He got angry and asked what was wrong and I like an IDIOT told him. I said that he'd made a HUGE to do about what he was going to do while we were gone and I'd believed/hoped it meant he was eager to take recovery seriously. I said that he had AGAIN told me one thing and done another and then he started in with the justifying and rationalizing and excusing of not doing what he said and how the problem was me and I need to be more flexible etc...
Of course we argued, I cried, etc... A few hrs later came the apologies and the everything I said (him saying this) was wrong and I'm sorry to do this to you etc... Then he wanted to hang out, have dinner together and act like it was a normal evening. I went to bed instead.
Sunday I suggested he visit his family since he doesn't make it to see them often. He left and did so. I had a nice day with our children. He texted me (when he relies on texting instead of calling it is a sure fire sign that he is avoiding interaction bc he is either a) drinking b) has been supported in his sick, resentment filled thinking - which he gets a good dose of whenever he spends time with his enmeshed, alcoholic, hateful toward me family.
He came home and was looking for a fight. Nothing I said was right and I just limited my contact with him and stuck to facts and was as emotionless as possible. The result? I was confronted and told that I was being disrespectful and that he could not work on recovery living in an environment where he was disrespected so much. He went on to tell me he has given up all power for "self preservation" and that's why he does't initiate anything or make plans and it is why he is justified in lying to me.
The result was a 4 hour fight that resulted in me thinking I might go crazy.
I am distraught and beyond confused.
He is sober and he is WORSE than ever. The things he is saying to me are the same things he'd say when drinking but I could excuse them bc he was drinking and tell myself it wasn't personal and he didn't mean it. But he is sober and saying the same things so obviously it IS personal and he does mean it.
I can't take the lying, the broken promises, the blaming, the projecting and when I try to detach he pulls out all the stops to get me to engage. And when I am nice he takes advantage of me. He loves me one minute and hates me the next. It is HELL living like this and at the end of the day it will be me who has to leave when I reach a "I can't take it anymore" point.
I want him to change so that I can stay and we can have a chance at a normal family. If I stay it will be bc I am willing to accept and tolerate living with all these behaviors and never expecting different. I want him to see that he is throwing away my love, our family etc... and for that to matter. And it doesn't. All that matters is that he has someone to blame and for as long as I am around that's me....
I am addicted with wanting him to change so much and I can't figure out how to stop and how to accept that he won't change and make the next step...
