I love the 12 steps - they're logical, they get me where I need to go and they balance focusing on myself with handing things over to a higher power. I think for me the higher power part helps to counter-balance the putting yourself first part. I'm -responsible- for myself. Every healthy adult should be -responsible- for themselves. But when I try to play God and force outcomes, I get into trouble. So if I focus on doing the right thing (self first) stay out of other people's business and hand the parts that I have no control over to a Higher Power, then I'm in good shape.
Al-Anon is a self-first program, but it also specifies that the welfare of the group is paramount. AA and al-anon are based on the (sound) idea that you stand a much better chance of getting well if you're in the company of a group of like-minded people at different points on that journey. For me, that means that my recovery is inter-connected with the recovery of people in my home group. They rely on me and vice versa.
And you know what? I find the Big Book horribly outdated, too. I have a hard time understanding why Lois stayed with Bill and I (personal opinion) think that she continued to live around his recovery much as she had lived her life around his disease. I wonder whether all this time later Lois would have stayed with Bill. Maybe she would have divorced him, gone to live in New Mexico, become an artist and started her own group when she got there :-)
I find Paths to Recovery much, much easier to take than the Big Book - but my personal opinion is that the principles of the 12 steps are golden. I try to take what I need and leave the rest - but I do hear you in that a lot of the Big Book is so not of our time that it can be hard to take.
Only my opinions - no offence meant to anyone who feels differently.
SL.