bookwyrm

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Types of Abusive Men

I feel so bad for him; he's had a really hard life.
I'm lucky to be with him; he could get any woman he wants.
I'm really scared of what he might do to me some day.
I shouldn't argue with him because I just come out feeling like an idiot.
He's very sensitive. I shouldn't complain so much; he's doing the best he can.
He says the reason he cheats on me so much is that he's a sex addict.

The qualities that make up an abusive man are like the ingredients in a recipe: the basics are always present but the relative amounts very greatly.

The sections below describe each style of man while he is being abusive. ..don't mean he is like that all the time. In fact many men in the categories below can turn kind and loving at any moment and stay in that mode for days, weeks or even months.

The Demand Man
The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:

• It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.
• You should not place any demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
• I am above criticism.
• I am a very lovely and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

Mr Right
The central attitudes driving Mr Right are:

• You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what's good for you.
• Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.
• The fact that you disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.
• If you would just accept that I know what's right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go much better too.
• When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that's mistreatment of me.
• If I put you down for long enough, some day you'll see.

The Water Torturer
The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
• I can easily convince people that you're the one who is messed up.
• As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
• I know exactly how to get under your skin.

The Drill Sergeant
The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are:

• I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.
• I know the exact way everything should be done.
• You shouldn't have anyone else - or anything else - in your life besides me.
• I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.
• I love you more than anything in the world but you disgust me (!!!)

Mr Sensitive
The central attitudes driving Mr Sensitive are:

• I'm against the macho men, so I couldn't be abusive.
• As long as I use a lot of "psychobabble", no one is going to believe I am mistreating you.
• I can control you by analysing how your mind and emotions work and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
• Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
• Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men.

The Player
The central attitudes driving The Player are:

• Women were put on this earth to have sex with men - especially me.
• Women who want sex are too loose and women who refuse sex are too uptight. (!)
• It's not my fault that women find me irresistible. (This is a word-for-word quotation from a number of ...clients.) It's not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it's all around me; women seduce me sometimes and I can't help it.
• If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I'm in this relationship when it's convenient for me and when I feel like it.
• Women who want the non-sexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches.
• If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women.

Rambo
The central attitudes driving Rambo are:

• Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad.
• Anything that could even be remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost.
• Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality) are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them.
• Men should never hit women because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behaviour is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line.
• You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy.

The Victim
The central attitudes driving The Victim are:

• Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I've been involved with. Poor me.
• When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you're just like the rest.
• It's justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me and to even make it a bit worse to make sure you get the message.
• Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment, are anti-male and out for blood.
• I've had it so hard that I'm not responsible for my actions.

The Terrorist
The central attitudes driving The Terrorist are:

• You have no right to defy or leave me. Your life is in my hands.
• Women are evil and have to be kept terrorised to prevent that evil coming forth.
• I would rather die than accept your right to independence.
• The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful.
• Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.

The mentally ill or addicted abuser
This last category is not actually separate from the others... Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change.
... likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.
• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me considering these other problems I have. It also shows you don't understand my other problems.
• I'm not abusive I'm just_____(alcoholic, drug addicted....etc)
• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness and you'll be responsible for what I do.

Key points to remember:

• Tremendous variation exists among abusive styles. Your abusive partner may be of a type...haven't encountered yet but that doesn't make him any less real. Many men are mixtures of different aspects.
• An abuser may change so much from day to day that he couldn't belong to any type. This type of abuser is so unpredictable that his partner can never make sense out of what she is living with.
• An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive and thoughtful. At these times you may feel that his problem has finally gone away and the relationship will return to its rosy beginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness.