I'm thinking HFA means high-functioning-alcoholic?
I can only give you my experience, which involves a recent relationship with my young niece, when she went psycho on alcohol and benzos (we've raised her since she was 1 and her mom died in a car wreck). Long story, but stepmom (her g'ma) has let her do whatever she wants, with NO consequnces for her 17 years..dad has turned into a codie and doesn't help the situation.
I haven't heard from her since the night she literally terrorized me. She's been chatting with dad and stepmom (moved out in June) and they were quickly back to "everything's okay" and thrilled to hear from her.
Me? I texted her, once, that her W-2's were here, and "I love you" and got back "k". I'm not reaching out to her, and if she comes back home, for any reason, I am not going to be all excited about it. In fact, she has a long way to go before I even trust her to not get stupid again. If she acts up, again, I will leave. Can't do it permanently, as I don't have the means to do that, but I won't be around her when she's acting like that.
I love her as if she was my own kid (I don't have kids) but she's getting detachment from me. She'll eventually get back in touch with me and act as if nothing happened. I've forgiven her (I'm an RA, so I know how we do stupid stuff and hurt people) but I haven't forgotten.
I can be around her, and answer questions if she asks, but other than that, I just do my own thing. It's taken quite a while for me to get to this point, and I'm considered the "problem person" in my family because I feel she should feel consequences for her actions.
As far as your husband, when he's in his "good mood" I would work hard on accepting that I have feelings about the "bad stuff" and I'm entitled to that. I've also found that responding with "hmmm" does a lot of good. You don't have to smile and chat if you don't feel it in you. This is about YOU and your feelings, not him and trying to "make up" for what he's done.
Don't know if this helps, but it's what I'm doing. It's taken me quite a while to get to this point, 3 XABF's, and a LOT of help from my SR friends. I had to reach MY codie bottom and realize that, yes, I am most likely being manipulated (or at least she tries), and I no longer wish to play that game. I don't detach because I'm hoping it will make her straighten up, I detach because I don't like the way she is living her life, and I'm not going to get dragged back into the ways I used to feel..like "oh, she's trying, I need to give her all my support", only to have her go back to the same stuff.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy