posiesperson

Hi, and thanks for your question.

My daughters go to Alateen, they are 13 and 15. I was going to Alanon for nearly a year, and had told them what it was for (I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic, and subsequently realized, thanks to Alanon, the extent of the alcoholism in my family by way of my ACOA mother). One night at dinner one of my kids asked about these "meetings" I was going to. I introduced the topic of Alateen during that conversation. After a few months they wanted to try it out, and liked it. Now they go every week and have talked to me about how they are finding situations to apply the tools in their everyday lives, whether it be with friends, teachers, their father, etc. I highly recommend it, IF your daughter responds to an invitation. I don't think these things generally work without the understanding that it's a choice on their part. I told my daughters that I would be continuing to attend meetings whether they chose to continue Alateen or not. Good for you for looking into this with your daughter!

On the "secrets" issue, which I understand was not a question in Inafishbowl's initial post, I would like to say this: I wasn't directly told to keep secrets, but I heard my mother making comments to other people about "not sharing too much", "being gossipy","family understanding best", etc. Those comments were a major contributor to my silence, and I suffered with those "secrets" for 35+ years. I'm now looking at the effects of the secrets that I've kept, the impact on my life and my relationships, and the pain that it has caused me. I've given up a lot for the sake of those secrets, to spare my mother's shame, and honestly, right now I'm furious about it. I haven't cut her off, and don't intend to, but I am as distant from her right now as I've ever been in my life.

The reason? Because she asked me to take care of her, and her feelings, while I suffered. I was the child and supposed to be the one who was taken care of.

That's my opinion and experience, with no judgement intended toward any particular view on this. I must admit that I cry at the thought of what it might have been like to have my mother take care of her feelings about what she had done (and what she allowed to happen to me) instead of making sure that I maintained a facade that she could feel safe behind. I first learned how to lie to the world, and most importantly to myself, from my mother. While she was making sure she was safe and protected, I was not.

posie