StarCat

...thank you for writing this, and your description of how he preyed upon poor "Cheryl". This helps a lot!

I met XABF at work. I used to go in dressed in a way that convinced him I had no self-confidence - which was not as far from the truth as I wanted to believe.
I was also trying to work through some issues I had with my parents. He decided he would "help" me with this.


Is it okay if I am grinning from ear to ear because of this, now?


I started by typing out "a couple" quotes from the chapter that really struck me... But then I realized I was basically typing up the whole chapter, so I'll just type out how it made me feel.

XABF was all about how my feelings had to be an extension of his. If he was upset, I had to be more upset. If he was happy, I had to be happier. If he was completely freaked out over an insignificant incident and I wasn't reacting to it at all, I was "cold" and didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy."

He used to make all these rules, like "Never go to bed angry" - then pass out on my floor still screaming, "I'll take the blame even though it's all your fault," "I can't ask you to do anything, you'll take five hours to make a grilled cheese sandwich," "Forget it, you took too long!"

He'd get mad if I did not answer the phone immediately when he called ("I was only worried about your safety"), he'd complain when I wouldn't talk to him during an 'argument' when he's yelling obscenities at me, then get upset when I did try to talk (I called it his "I'm the only one allowed to talk - you're just supposed to agree with me!" complex).

He used to buy me silly, stupid, useless things - many of them expensive - but skip out on things I needed. Then when I wasn't up to his standards I'd get a speech about, "I did all the work to take you to restaurants, I decorated your apartment, I bought you all these things, why can't you just worry about me all the time?" Whenever I told him I needed space, he'd talk about how "You don't need me to help you anymore, so now you're leaving!"

His desires were more important than my needs. I'll never remember the one day he announced, "But I let you take a shower this morning!" Oh, yeah, thanks. I hadn't showered in two weeks, you take one twice a day, gee, you're so generous.

When he got really drunk, he'd force me to go to the XXX rated movie store, and pick out three movies to purchase, and explain to him loudly why I wanted them. I have no interest in those sorts of movies, so this usually resulted in another screaming match in the store, and him storming out after grabbing three off the shelf (usually $60 ones we couldn't afford - who spends $200 in a XXX movie store???). I don't know whether I was more embarrassed about being in the store, people overhearing the argument in the store, or being left behind in that store.

He would insist I spend 100% of my time with him, except at work. At work, he would call repeatedly if I did not immediately answer my phone - this would include while I was in meetings, which usually resulted in a giant slew of angry voicemail messages.
On weekends, he scheduled all our time as well, and evenings I was expected to watch his television shows with him. Then he would complain the chores were not done - and any attempt at me trying to ask when he expected them to be completed simply resulted in a lecture about how I take too long to do everything, and a list of all the people who were better than me at doing chores. He would complain if I wanted to stay home and do laundry, because he wanted to go out and buy more things for the apartment - and any attempt on my part to explain that he could do that while I was getting chores was shot down quite forcefully.

He frequently told me things like "I won't drink anymore, so my problem is solved. What are you going to do about all your problems? You really have a lot of work to do."
I remember sitting next to him in the car in the parking lot at work, he was yelling at me again. He yelled at me in that car so much, I am afraid of that car. I am afraid of cars that look like that car. I finally told him, "I am not listening to this verbal abuse any longer." He completely snapped out, followed me across the parking lot (I had jumped out of his car) yelling how I was really the abusive one, and I was making a fool out of him, and I need to get back in his car RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

He would yell at me perpetually, and when I managed to hold in my temper and not react he would get worse until I did, then yell at me.

His drinking was always my fault. It was always about how "You should have reminded me how sick I feel after drinking alcohol. You're not assertive enough! You don't know how much influence you have over me!" Whenever he did something wrong, "The alcohol made me do it! Please, remember all the good things we've done together, and use that to keep from getting hurt when I'm yelling at you when I'm drunk." He was always blaming others, too, especially me. "Can't you see how much your parents upset me? You don't have any empathy for me." He was also always asking "Where are you???" even when we were both home. If he could not see me from where he was sitting, I had to announce what I was doing, or he would freak out.

Lastly, I felt like he never listened to me about anything. Now I realize that's not true - he listened a great deal, because that's how he determined how manipulative to me. When he was in rehab and I told him I needed distance, and time to work through things myself, he called me constantly. When I told him we needed to slow down, and actually start closer to the beginning so we could rebuild our relationship, he talked about how he was going to regain my trust, and would I please marry him. He saw me slipping away, and he tried to cling tighter.

I was smothered, and all the life was strangled out of me, and I didn't realize it until I read this book.


Sorry, I am rambling a lot, but this chapter really did a number on me when I read it.