passionfruit

I disagree! He was not at all confused. He gained privleges from his control just like my AH did. In my case, he had a beautiful wife and home to come to. I took care of everything. He did not touch the house, the yard, nothing. Any problem with either, I made sure he was not bothered by. He was babied to the Nth degree! His clothes and shoes were waiting on him when he got out of the shower of a morning. I took his shoes off when he came home! He sat on the computer and drank. He laid on the couch and drank. When he was bored with me, he found little girls entertaining, watching them out the window (denying it of course), hitting on them everywhere we went. I watched my 50 year old husband hit on a 14 year old girl.

I was a b*tch. You better believe it! And will be again to anyone who treats me like that.





From "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson:
The symbiotic paradox helps to explain the tendency for many to become emotionally trapped within a relationship in which their partners repeatedly abandon them on either physical or emotional levels.
Symbiotic feelings (ones you experienced prenatally and during early infancy when you were in a state of oneness with your mother) are reactivated each time you experience a break in an important bond, even if it is with the same person over and over again. Your neediest fellings-the ones that leave you emotionally helpless-keep flooding your consciousness with primal urgencies. You feel-albeit temporarily-that you can't survive on your own. Each tear in you relationship arouses a new round of intense insecurity. The infant in you cries out to be held and loved-paradoxically, by the very same person who keeps betraying, deserting and abandoning you.

Judith Harris, author of The Nurture Assumption, states that abused children tend to reach out to the very person who abused them for comfort. The same is true in other species. According to Harris, a researcher who studied imprinting in ducks, when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever.

Me too!







I read this book (Why Does He Do That?) a couple months ago and thought I could see him clearly then. To my own surprise, I really had no clue how manipulating and conniving he really was.

I watched over a months time as my AH set up a bond with a woman in an attempt to suck her in. It was truly a SET-UP. I watched in amazement as he preyed, truly preyed on her.

He selects women carefully, choosing those who believe they have some small flaw in themselves which they are clearly trying to overcome with make-up or dress. They tend to have a demeanor which shows just slightly some lack of self-esteem or distress. I have never seen him hit on a truly beautiful woman, ever.

Which leads to the obvious question: What vulnerability attracted him to me?

Here is how it went:

Week 1: We went to church. He notices this woman when we walk in. He watches her throughout the class. He makes it a point to make sure she knows he is noticing her. He makes eye contact numerous times with her. She is initially quiet and reserved, clearly distressed. As we left, she was crying. He watched her all the way out.

Week 2: Before church, he starts a fight with me over nothing. We go to church. She walks into the room. He starts being Mr. loving nice guy to me. Huh? What the h*ll? How dare you? Don't touch me, buddy, after the way you treated me this am.
In my mind, I am justified. She, however, sees a really nice guy with a b*tch of a wife. He acts hurt and vulnerable. He again watches her and makes repeated eye contact with her. She begins to reciprocate.

Week 3: We go into class and he is silent and sits unnoticed beside me. She walks in. All of a sudden he is Mr. funny guy in front of the whole class. She now sees his great sense of humor and laughs with him. She slowly makes her way toward us during meet and greet. When she gets near, he makes it a point to say Godly things like: "Honey, we should pray for that hurting couple to get back together." She sees him trying so hard to be a good Godly husband.

Slowly, but surely he is setting up circumstances to draw her near to him. She thinks she is attracted by his vulnerability and kindness. Not hardly.

There was no week 4 because I made it a point to introduce me and my AH to "Cheryl". I made sure to mention that I attend alanon meetings because my husband is an alcoholic. I also mentioned that because alanon uses the term "Higher Power" instead of Jesus Christ my AH insists that I am serving "two masters." Does she agree with him?

He cringed with every word that came out of my mouth. She literally could not get away from him fast enough.

He later tried to start a fight over some bs and I called him out.
"Tell my why your are really angry..Tell me..."
"Because, I can't flirt with women when you are around."
"I know that is true; but it is not the reason you are mad tonight."
He walks away.
I follow.
"You are mad because I exposed you. "Cheryl" now knows you are an alcoholic with warped thinking. She won't touch you with a 10 foot pole now, nor ever. I interfered with your plan."



Once you are privy to their tactics, it becomes easier and easier to see through them.

I told my AH: " I can see you now! I can really see you! No more magic tricks or secret cloaks to hide the real you!!"