Mambo Queen

Since I last posted, XAH spent a night on the streets, then two nights in the hospital, where he had a cardiac catheter to determine if he had a heart attack, which they suspected.

Looks like not, and I was very worried for myself today. Enabling sister is out of town, tough love sister refused to pick him up from the hospital/take him in, even to wait out the couple of weeks he has between now and readmittance to the rehab program he went through in October.

I did not cave. Did not pick up his calls. Did listen to his messages long enough to learn that he is apparently going with a friend from rehab to a town about 90 miles away to stay in a detox program, at least until he can get back in the rehab center in town.

I read this today as a comment on a blog I frequent. The writer does an advice column, and someone had written a letter regarding a friendship she felt she needed to break off because her friend was a prescription pill addict. This comment was just what I needed to hear today, so maybe it will be some help to someone else, too. The rest of my post is, regrettably, not my words. I hope for myself for the wisdom to write something like this someday:

One of the hardest things about being human is dealing with the guilt that comes with correct decisions.

You both were right to cut off contact when you did. Mental illnesses and chemical dependence are like typhoons, storming and raging through lives and leaving a swath of destruction so complete you can't make yourself believe there was ever a beach there, or a town, or people. You have photos, videos, memories, but it seems like those things can't hold a candle to the devastation before you, and like nothing will ever be fixed or right again.

Sometimes things can be fixed, sometimes they can't. But no matter what someone with addiction issues tells you–threats of harm, tales of past abuse, wrong diagnoses–squatting in the middle of the wreckage out of feelings of guilt or obligation never helped anyone. Ever. All it does is drain your resources, emotions, relationships, and mind, until there's nothing left for you OR them and you're still sitting in a trash heap.

That doesn't mean you turn your back on everybody, build a fortress and sit inside singing ME ME ME, ME ME ME the rest of your life. It means that sometimes people will get it together and start rebuilding their town, and some people won't. And you'll feel bad. Not because you did anything wrong but because it was a waste and a tragedy, and you're human.

Feeling good and doing good are not always, or even usually, synonomous. You may have to endure some bitterness of heart because that's what people have to do, but you don't have to drink bitternes the rest of your days to prove your loyalty.