I really do want feedback and to be challenged and am open to hearing (bc I know it's true) that my perspective is not healthy.
I just really could do without the tone of tjp's post... There's a lot to be said for how you say things.
I also know that I am particularly sensitive and struggling right now, which was precisely why I asked at least initially, that people be gentle.
There's a fine line between enabling and saying real truths but in a kind way.
I am very appreciative for all the thoughts, perspectives and compassion (as well as nudging to rethink things) that you all have offered.
A bit more history. I am the oldest of 6. I am the "black sheep" but didn't see that until a few years ago. What I believed my entire life was what I was told (and when you are told it from childhood on, that is what you know as face) and that was that I was bad.
When my husband started to be less able to hide his drinking and was also diagnosed with bpd, I left. That was last Spring. I took the girls and went to my mothers bc that was what I had for options. Instead of support, I was told I was the cause of all the problems in my marriage. And at that point I got into therapy bc I thought I might lose my mind.
My therapist recommended I read about bpd and I nearly had an aneurysm when I realized that what I grew up with wasn't just sucky and a bit off, but was quite abusive and insane (quite literally).
At 38 yrs old I started remembering parts of my life that I hadn't previously been denying but honestly didn't think existed. Up until last year my "memories" of growing up were largely the stories my mother repeats over and over (all happy, fun) and I've never felt at ease with these "memories" bc something didn't feel right about them. Despite that of course I vigorously repeated the stories to friends over the years when talking about our childhoods and nearly convinced myself that these moments were real.
Fast forward to reading some literature on BPD and therapy and it was like a connect the dots game taking place in my head. All these disparate events, feelings etc that I never understood and couldn't make sense of, started to make sense.
And at the same time this was occuring my husband's alcoholism was growing. I started trying to set boundaries for myself (and did so) and the response from him was an all out attempt through any means necessary to get me back into the same patterns as before.
Also occuring at this time, my husbands' father (severe alcoholic) and mother were both hospitalized with life threatening medical crises. My husband's siblings and parents are, to say the least, toxic. When he started spending more and more time with them during the health crisis, they fueled his resentment toward me for changing. So instead of just his own mind justifying his behavior he had several people telling him day in and day out that I was the sole problem and this was repeated to me. My mother was also still telling me this.
So, it's really hard, even right now, a year later, to believe with 100% certainty that they are not all correct....