The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Abusive Mentality
His attitude always seems to be: "You owe me".
He manages to twist everything around so that it's my fault.
I feel suffocated by him. He's trying to run my life.
Everyone seems to think he's the greatest guy in the world. I wish they could see the side of him that I have to live with.
He says he loves me so much. So why does he treat me like this? Chronic mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves.
Reality 1: He's controlling.
This may be in different ways over a whole spectrum of extremities and covering different spheres of control:
- Arguments and decision making
- Personal freedom
- Parenting
Reality 2: He feels entitled.
The abusive man gives himself all kinds of rights (and reduces those of his partner and children). He claims:
- Physical caretaking
- Emotional caretaking
- Sexual caretaking
- Deference
- Freedom from accountability
"Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with
your anger"
Reality 3: He twists things into their opposites
Why does he say that I am the one abusing him? The abuser's highly entitled perceptual system causes him to mentally reverse agression and self defence.
Reality 4: He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
Objectification is a critical reason why abusers get worse over time.
Reality 5: He confuses love and abuse
When an abusive man feels...what other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:
- The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference
- The desire to have sexual access
- The desire to impress other by having you be his partner
- The desire to possess and control you
Reality 6: He is manipulative
Some signs of abusers to watch for:
- Changing his moods abruptly and frequently
- Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling
- Convincing you that what he wants you to do is what is best for you
- Getting you to feel sorry for him
- Getting you to blame yourself, or blame other people, for what he does
- Using confusing tactics in arguments
- Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires or his reasons for doing certain things
- Getting you and the people you care about turned against each other
Reality 7: He strives to have a good public image.
If you are involved with an abusive man, you may spend a lot of your time trying to figure out what is wrong with
you rather than what is wrong with
him. If he gets on well with other people and impresses them with his generosity, sense of humour and friendliness, you may wind up wondering:"What is it about me that sets him off?"
Reality 8: He feels justified
The abusive man commonly believes he can blame his partner for anything that goes wrong, not just his abusiveness...Everything is someone else's fault and 'someone else' is usually her.
Reality 9: Abusers deny and minimise their abuse.
He denies his actions to close off discussion because he doesn't want to answer for what he did and perhaps even wants you to feel frustrated and crazy.
Reality 10: Abusers are possessive
'...these women are theirs'
Key points to remember:
Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement and the branches are control.
Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change unless they overcome their disrespect toward their partners.
Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviours are driven by thei core attitudes.
Abusers are
unwilling to be non-abusive, not
unable. They do not want to give up their power and control.
You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.