Thanks Suki & Stella,
Trust me, I don't want to be coddled... I know that my thinking is co-dependant at best and crazy at worst.
I think what makes it hardest is that I see glimmers of change and periods of things being something resembling normal and then with the change in the wind, it's all gone and it feels devastating.
If things were terrible 100% of the time I'd be less torn.
My husbands pattern is that he hits something he thinks is rock bottom, gets scared for a few weeks and then gets comfortable, cocky, complacent etc... and he starts lying to himself most of all (and me secondarily) that the reason his life isn't perfect is because of something I am doing or not doing.
I guess I don't know at what point I am ready to throw away the hope of what I thought married life with him would be and the hope of having a family that wasn't broken up.
I'm just in a hard place mentally right now bc intellectually what I would tell a friend and what I KNOW I should do is different than what my heart wants to do...